Silence MacGruder

One of the people around here I admire a lot is Cyrus "Silence" MacGruder. Silence, as we have called him since he was real little, came by his nickname honestly. He truly only talks when it is absolutely necessary and then what he says is usually important. There is a story that has been going around here about Silence. It tells that he didn't say one word until he was four years old. Not Dada, Mama, Baba, or nothing. Then after all those years of quietude he comes out at the dinner table one night with, "These beans ain't cooked enough." His folks were astounded. His mamma said, "Cyrus, you can talk."
His daddy said, "Boy, if you can talk that good why did you wait so long to say something?" And Cyrus said, "Because the beans has always been cooked okay, until tonight."
Now I know a lot of you are saying you have heard that story before in some manner. Well, I read it in Reader's Digest myself, but that don't mean it didn't start with our man Silence MacGruder.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Too Much Information

This morning down at the barbershop Ludlowe Turnip was telling jokes and had us all laughing up a storm. Billy Brownshoe, the guy who builds things out of toothpicks and always has one in his mouth, in a fit of laughter accidentally swallow the toothpick. He coughed a little bit but it went straight down and he seemed fine.

"You better get that checked out. That's what killed Sherwood Anderson, swallowing a toothpick," said Ludlowe

"Whose Sherwood Anderson," asked Wilmore Leanard.

"He was that guy on that old Gary Moore show," chimed in Millard Fullerstill.

"That was Durwood Kirby," said Ludlowe.

"It killed him?" asked Billy.

"Graveyard dead," said Ludlowe.

"I think you ought to eat a lot of bread, that's what you do when you swallow a fishbone," said Millard.

"Bread can make you fat," said Ludlowe. "Just stand on you head and cough ten times. That got the marble out of my youngest kids throat."

Billy went to the corner and managed to get his feet up against the wall with the help of Ludlowe. He coughed real hard about twenty times. Nothing.

When he came right-side-up Billy had a fearful look in his eye and headed for the door.

"I got to get x-rayed. My dentist has a machine. Y'all pray."

I reckon he's all right 'cause I saw him later this morning coming out of Barney's Quick Stoppe with three loafs of bread and two six packs of beer.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

A Harper Divorce

Last year they had this big wedding down at the Harper Lake Baptist Church. Leslie Sue Marshpad married Hubert Fallin. There were twenty bridesmaids and twenty groomsmen. A real big deal. The bride was in her forties and the groom was thirty-nine and they were before the big event, thought of as confirmed single folks. It was only the taunting of their friends and parents that threw them together. I will say it looked like true love because of the way they looked at each other and the way they walked around holding hands and stuff like that. Happiness looked to be their future. But it was not to be. It wasn't nine months until Leslie Sue filed for divorce. She claimed when Hubert had insisted they keep that obey part in the wedding vows she had no idea just how much stock he put into it.  Hubert, for his part, had no objection to the split. He claimed Leslie Sue had set out to change him into just another of her girl friends. He said she wanted a shopping buddy and someone to talk to, not a husband. Leslie Sue said she could deal with a lot of Hubert's bad habits but when it came to the bedroom she had no idea Hubert had all that stuff in mind when he was wooing her. The divorce will be final in a month or two.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

A Losing Battle

Clive Cuddleburt came into the barbershop this morning with his right forearm the size of Popeye's after eating a can of spinach. His left arm was in a cast and was slung from his shoulder with a white bandage. Both eyes were black and there was a cut on his forehead. Somebody asked him what happened and he said he got stung by a bee. Everyone said they were sorry and Clive said it was a learning experience.

"Yeah, I learned a bunch of stuff from that little bee. First thing is you can't outrun a bee when you're on a tractor. And my back field is a lot more hilly when you run over it a higher speed. From now on I'll pull my tractor to a stop before I get off. A tree is not the best way to stop a tractor. My lake ain't near as deep just off my dock as I thought it was. Tobacco on a bee sting ain't much good. My wife likes to see me suffer. And things are a lot funnier if you ain't the victim."

Milo Fieldstead asked Clive if his tractor was okay.

"It can't be fixed," he said. "That tree was over two hundred years old and I reckon it was too old to move fast enough to get out of the way."

Clive never was funny, but I reckon when you're stove up like he is you are even more not funny.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Sushi

When I was growing up the only fish we ate was what we could catch in the lake or rivers around here. And we put it in a frying pan and cooked the living daylights out of it. Today we got the new restaurant that serves raw fish. They call it sushi.

They were talking about it down at the barbershop this morning and I was surprised at how many of the old timers liked it. Most turned up their nose to the thought of such a thing but those who favored it were pretty strong in their approval.

Marcus Findlayson, a man who says what ever he thinks of and tends to be somewhat silly, claimed he heard about sushi years ago. He said old man Redmond's cat, Tomboy, told him about it. One day he went past the Redmond house and saw Tomboy sitting beside the Redmond's goldfish pond lunching down on a gold-red beauty. Marcus claims the cat was singing to the tune of an old Eddie Cantor tune, "If you knew Sushi, like I know Sushi, Oh, Oh...."

This has me disgusted, not because it's so inane, but because I can't get it out of my head. All day long I keep hearing those words and that tune.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

My Mole Hole

The way I see it men and women need one another. Real bad. But they also need to get away from each other now and then. Dorothy does this by going off with her friends to civic meeting, cooking schools, book clubs, and a bunch of other things. While I go fishing or down to the barbershop to be with my friends, I spend most of my getting away time in my little study up on the second floor of the big house. Dorothy calls it my mole hole.

I am very protective and territorial when it come to my little space and get agitated and real nervous when Dorothy insists on dusting and cleaning. Seems like things I use every day always ends up in a place where I can't find them, doncha know? All this forces me in to being a little neater than  I would ordinarily be. I even dust a little and vacuum every day. I bought a small vacuum cleaner and keep it in the study closet. Dorothy still has to come in and "fix" things.

Don't get me wrong I love Dorothy and appreciate almost all she does for me. I don't care how she runs the rest of the house. She can paint any of the other rooms any color she wants and buy and move furniture as she sees fit. The way I look at it the whole house is more hers than mine. But my little hole needs no changing. It was fine the first day I walked into it and it's fine today.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Credit Card Story

Some people come up with their own jokes and tricks to play on people. Most people copy things they see on television or hear from other folks. Mazie Swanswim is in that last group. She is always trying out things she hears other people doing.

Yesterday, Whitmore Philly came in the hardware store where Mazie works as a cashier, bought some nails, and was standing at the register to pay for it. He took his credit card out and was holding it waiting for Mazie to tell him to swipe it. She looked the old fellow right in the eye and said, "Strip down, facing me."

Problem was Whitmore being the obedient kind started in removing his overall snaps. The bib was hanging down when Mazie let out a scream.

Lindsey Wag, the store manager came up to determine what all the ruckus was about. Mazie said she was just trying to tell the old man how to use the machine. She said she had just chosen the wrong words and was real sorry.

Whitmore said he accepted her apology, but it wasn't just her words it was the look in her eye and the singing way she spoke them. Later he told me he had no intention of removing his garments. "I'm wearing old underwear," he said.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle