Freebies

Last night me and Dorothy was watching the news when this commercial come on what showed a man who heard they was giving away freebies at a motel. His wife had to straighten him out when he showed up in a beekeepers' outfit. She said, "They are giving away freebies, not free bees." My first thought were this is just another one of them commercials what makes mens look stupid. But Dorothy reminded me of Jimmy Donny Westflagland, a local man known for his acts of mild stupidity. Same thing happened; except it were the Dew Drop Donut Shoppe what advertised on the radio they was handing out freebies. Jimmy Donny showed up all decked out in his beekeepers' suit with the smoking canister what is supposed to keep the bees dumbfounded while you do what you want to do with them. He asked a man out front where he could find the free bees and the man told him the freebies was at the front register. When he got in and ever body started laughing at him he started to just run out and head back home. But Jimmy Donny ain't what you may call all-stupid. He's only half-stupid, so he lowered his voice to make it sound like his fishing buddy, Carl Bumpstead. He said I ought to sue y'all for false advertisement. Just remember Carl Bumpstead ain't one to be trifled with. Y'all gonna hear from my lawyer. Then is when his run out and went behind the store where he tossed the outfit. He come back in the store and asked if his friend Carl had showed up. He claimed he were trying to stop him before he made a fool of his self.

His Computer Are a Abacus

Steelie Bryant are a smart guy, but he ain't real quick with his smarts. Last week we was sitting at the barber shop talking mostly about them NFL referees. The barber, Neals Smorgenson, were saying any one of his brothers or sisters could have made a better call than them artificial officials. Steelie asked Neals how many brothers and sisters he had and Neals said he were proud to say he had six brothers and three sisters. And Steelie said it must be nice to come from such a big family. Well, Neals said that warn't the half of it. Ever one of his brothers also had six brothers and three sisters and his sisters all had seven brothers and two sisters. Steelie thought for a minute and said he needed to get his computer out of his backpack and figure all this out. He pulled out what they call a abacus and started jiggling them little beads up and down on their rods. After a few minutes Steelie said he wouldn't have time to figure it all out and he would just go with the fact that Neals come from a real big family. What did y'all eat he asked Neals. Neals said they had a special permit from the game commissioner to kill all the deer, rabbits, and squirrels they could get. And they could fish all they wanted to. No limits. I seen Steelie yesterday and he were still talking about it.

Cat's Cradle (Hollis)

Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut
Satire, technology, atomic bomb, children's games, ice-nine, Hoosiers, island nation, poverty, hook, Bokonoism, nihilism, Mona, mass suicides, love or lust, last rites.
Only for those who appreciate satire.

La Boheme

Y'all probably remember me telling y'all I am a big opera fan. Peoples around here find that hard to believe for some reason. I reckon they thinks only peoples what has been well educated and lives a high live style likes opera music. Like I said earlier, my daddy had opera records what he played when I was growing up. He took up listening while he were living with this Italian family in New Orleans. One of my favorite operas are called La Boheme. It's about this Paris man and woman what falls in love, but has a hard time getting along. They break up and get back together all the time. When they finally gets back together, at the end, it turns out she have come down with TB and is at death's door. She dies. We got a couple right here in Harper what is like these two opera peoples. They is constantly leaving one another and coming back together. But there are two differences: she don't have TB and, as far as I know, there ain't no singing.

Sharp Colors

Cletus, the guy what I were watching football with, is in love with bright colors, or what he calls sharp colors. As soon as he gets home with a new car or truck he commences to start painting it. He's got all the spraying equipment and stuff. The car he come over in were painted a bright, or sharp, yellow. His truck are green as a much-watered yard. Even his wife car are painted Pepto-Bismol pink. And she ain't working for that company what sells ladies face paint and gives peoples pink Cadillacs. He says it's so he won't have to search for his car in parking lots, but I know that ain't right cause he don't drive to no parking lots that big anyway. And he dresses the same way: yellow, red, bright blue and green sport coats with bright pants what may or may not match. Considering his politics and other view points, I reckon them colors are the only way he can claim to be bright, or sharp for that matter.

Football in the South

Cletus Wilbanks come over to watch football with me on my big wide screen TV what Hollis talked me in to getting. Dorothy made some good barbecue and of course had a selection of snacks and stuff for us to get fat on. The team we was pulling for got way ahead so me and Cletus commenced to talk about all kind of things. One of the things we was discussing were about why football are such a big deal in the south. They almost always fill up these big stadiums and they have celebrations before the game with what they calls tail gate parties outside the stadium. And after the game they has parties at the houses of peoples what they know. Well, me and Cletus was giving our ideas about just why football are so big. I said it were pastures. Years ago we had a lot of pastures what give peoples plenty of room to get out and run. It warn't too long till they was trying to add a game to the running and football were just the thing. Cletus said that may be right but he believed it were the cheerleaders what made it so good. I reckon he may be right.

Learning at the Liberry

My job at the liberry are going pretty good. I'm learning stuff real fast. Like yesterday a woman come in and asked me where she could find a book wrote by somebody name of Evelyn Waugh. I told her her books was listed under the "W's" on the far back shelf. The woman laughed and said Evelyn warn't no woman; she, I mean he, were a man. I thought about that a lot since, about how hard it would be to go around with a woman's name if you was a man. I mean if my folks had named me Mildred or Grace, I don't know what would have become of me. And about a hour later a man come in and asked me if we had a book called A Separate Piece. I figured he were looking for a ponygraphical book and I told him we didn't carry no books like that. Myrtle Picket, the head liberry person, come up and taken over. She went right to the shelves and come back with the book. She showed me it warn't A Separate Piece a'tall   but was named A Separate Peace. Like I says I'm learning a lot down at the liberry.

Black Dogs (Hollis)

Black Dogs by Ian McEwen
Fall of Berlin Wall, fall of inlaws' marriage, pseudo-memoir, post WWII honeymoon, together in communism, rejection of communism, black dogs of the gestapo, dolmen, epiphany, Christianity, estrangement, France, England, Majdanek concentration camp, black dogs of world contention.
Anything Ian McEwen writes is worth reading.

Suppository Story

Harper, I don't reckon, are no different than most places. We got what I like to call hard peoples and soft peoples. One of the hard peoples around here are an old doctor what has been in business for more than fifty year. And one of the soft peoples is a new, young druggist what just finished school last year. Seems like the doctor's old aunt had a problem doing a number two and the doctor wrote out a subscription for what they calls a suppository for her. She taken it in to the drug store where this young druggist was working. I overheard him taking to the owner of the store. He were real ruffled and said, "There is no way I am going to type the word 'shove' and 'butt' on one of my labels."The owner agreed and suggested using the words 'insert' and 'rectum' instead. I reckon the owner are right in the middle between hard and soft.

County Fair

Me and Dorothy went down to see the county fair last week. We just walked around and looked at things. They had a few exhibits and one of 'em kinda upset me a little bit. It were the animal part where young'ens could bring in calves, sheeps, poultry and others from their farms. What made me a little fumey were how they labeled them animals. Somebody got the bright idea of calling the males boys and the females girls. Now I reckon that's right to some degree, but I really don't think it's very teaching to have our young peoples calling them boy-chickens and girl-chickens. But I got over it. Back when me and Dorothy was young we both rode all the rides they had available. We never rode together since Dorothy are younger than me, but we rode 'em separate in our own time. Now, all we was willing to go up in were the ferris wheel. And that were a little too exciting for Dorothy. She had me signal the man what held the stop and go lever and get him to stop and let us off after only two rounds.

The Sheltering Sky (Hollis)

The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles
Key words: Marital difficulties, travelers vs tourists, three's a crowd, infidelity, cultural ignorance, flies, sand, typhoid, desert love, oblivion.

Reopened After the Flood

Just heard from our friend Nancy that our favorite seafood restaurant have reopened. Me and Dorothy usually don't go except when we is headed back or going to New Orleans, but we making a special trip tonight. Dorothy are already talking about fried shrimp and I'm gonna get one of them seafood platters. Maybe I'll start off with oysters on the half shell if they is good now. They say only eat oysters in a month what has a "r" in it. And of course September has a "r." We'll see.

Cutting for Stone (Hollis)

As Uncle Harvey Lee instructed me to tell you, I will now and then bring to your attention a book that I have recently read. Today, I will tell a little about Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese.
Keywords: A pair of docs, Ethiopia, Missing Hospital, missing finger, pregnant nun, abandonment, adoption, female circumcision, rebellion, escape to America, livers, sacrifice, living on after death.
Excellent book.

Liberry Job

I got me a parttime volunteering job at the Harper Liberrry. Dorothy kept suggesting I get out of the house and do something, so when I were down checking out a book I asked if they need any volunteering and they said, "Sure." In case y'all wondering I can read a lot better than I can talk. I been reading most of my life and when I'm inside of a book I kinda loose sight of ever thing else going on in the world. My job are easy. All I got to do is put the returned books back on the shelves where they go.  Friction books is placed by the last name of the author. I knew this already because I been picking books off the shelves for my own reading for a long time. Hollis, my great nephew, what writes this thing for me (trying to make it the way I talk) is a real good reader. He ain't but twenty and he's already read hundreds and hundreds of books. Hollis says he will fill in writing this blog thing on days when I ain't been able to talk to him. He will tell about some of the books he's been reading.

SEC Football

Hollis, my nephew what writes this thing, trying to use my exact words, come over a little while ago to watch SEC football with me. Dorothy are piddling around the house doing the things what she does, so me and Hollis is on our own. Of course she left us plenty to eat. Hollis talked me into getting this big screen TV and the SEC package on the satellite and I'm glad he did. Gotta go; the team I'm pulling for are about to score.

Naming Kids

Peoples need to be more careful-like when they is naming their kids. Most likely them kids is gonna have to keep that name all their lives. Some folks name their childrens after family members, like a old uncle or aunt. Some use the names of movie stars, ball players, Bible peoples, or even political folks. Around here we got a lot of peoples with funny sounding names. Like them Whimberly twins: Dickey Donald and Rickey Ronald. That's what they calls 'em too. We got Scarlet Redd, Clarence Sale, Jack Frost, Jack Handle, and Phil R. Rupt. And then there's all the nick names. Toughy Breams, Bruiser Bounds, Dimples Smith, Big Butt Morrison, Sweetie Pie Bailey just to name a few. Real names is given but nick names is mostly earned.

A Bunch of Babies

We got a family down county what has had four twins. I don't remember what you call it when there is four babies what come at once, but that's what they had. It's kinda funny cause the mamma and daddy is both over forty year old and they has been trying to have a young'n since they was married over twenty year ago. That's when they heard about this doctor down on the Gulf Coast what could help them. He's what they calls a fertilizer doctor and he gives pill and shots what help make the woman be with child. Well in this case he kinda overshot the mark. It's like back in the fifties when we was having a long, dry spell. It hadn't rained for months and the crops was plum brown and dying right before our eyes. So all the peoples got together and held prayer meetings asking for rain. All the churches was asking their members to pray long and hard. After about three weeks of this there was announced on TV that a hurry cane were on the way. And it come right through here and we was flooding up all over. Then peoples was praying for a dry spot of land to stand on. I reckon it may be better to take what comes our way and be happy to get it. You always gotta remember you may just get what you ask for.