Learning About England

Like I told y'all I went through the 7 and 1/2 grade in school. And I also told y'all to recognize the difference in being ignorant and being stupid. I ain't learned all I need to learn, but I think I got a lot of common sense. I have a lot to learn about England. One thing I figured out right off the bat. I got what this joke I heard meant from reading them leaflets. The joke was why did the Siamese twins go to England. The answer: So the other one could drive. You see I was ignorant of the idea that those people over there drive on the wrong side of the road. It sure warn't stupid not to know this. Who in his right mind would have guessed such a thing? So I am ahead of the game by reading them leaflets and books what Hollis brung to me. I figure I can learn enough so I won't need to go all the way over there. Hollis says it ain't the same. Going is so much better. Well, I just as soon to have read about how cold it was in Korea and stayed at home by the fire. Something else I learned: Big Ben ain't no clock. It's a bell. You see what I mean. It warn't stupid not to know that. Just a little ignorant.
Tomorrow: Where the Queen Lives (hint, a bunch of places)

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Summer Breez has a warm disposition

Hollis Makes an Offer

Hollis sprung one on me. He wants to go to London to visit his girlfriend next month. And he wants me to go with him. I told him I ain't never been out of Harper that much and I didn't think so. He said I had been all the way to Korea and London warn't that far. I told him I hope it warn't nothing like the time I spent in Korea. Man. I don't reckon there's anyway he can talk me in to getting on a airplane and flying across the ocean just to listen to people talk like they done in that movie Tom Jones. He brung a bunch of books and leaflets for me to look over. And besides I told him it was winter and warn't no time to go gallivanting around the world. I promised him I would look things over. But I ain't going.
Tomorrow: Learning About England

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Denise and Denephew are my brother's kids

Settling Down in the Big House

I reckon y'all gonna think I'm getting soft and y'all probably right. Living in my fishing cabin was good for me, but it sure is more comfortable here in the big house. This is where I was born and lived while I was married to Bethel, Mary Ann, and Trixie. It warn't till after Trixie run off with that tent preacher that I moved down to the end of the lake. I was happy there, but Dorothy, my friend that's a girl, said she thought I ought to stay here for the time being. Her cafe ain't more'n a couple of blocks away and she can look after me better. She has one of her part-time women come by every day and clean and stuff and of course Dorothy brings all my food by. The woman who comes by is Florene Getz. She has a sick husband at home and the money I pay her comes in right handy to her situation. She always lights a fire in any room where I might go and I just snuff 'em out when I go to bed. Yeah, living in the big house ain't too bad. Beside Hollis' family lives next door, about half a mile away, so he can drop by when ever he want's to. His girl friend is going to London for study and he ain't too happy about it. I think it might be good for them two to have a few mile between them.
Tomorrow: Hollis Makes an Offer

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Wanda Howe is curious

What Dorothy Give Me for Christmas

I reckon y'all remember about Dorothy and me. We is very good friends. We don't do no cuddling or nothing like that but we do like to sit in the front porch swing and talk. Well, I got Dorothy this real nice bracelet for Christmas. It had all kinds of precious stones in it. They was every color of the rainbow. The man at DealMart down in the next county said it was a great buy. And Dorothy sure did like it. But what she give me beat the band. I didn't never expect to get one of them things, but she got it for me. It's called an iPad and it's like a little screen that you can carry around with you and watch the news or weather or even a movie. Hollis is setting it all up for me. He even loaded on all my CD's so I can listen where ever I am. It's hard to believe all that stuff can be shoved into a little plate like that. I reckon I'll get used to it. If anybody but Dorothy had give it too me I would have took it back, but Dorothy.... Hollis fixed it up so I can watch my favorite movie of all time "Shane" with Alan Ladd. I love Alan Ladd even if he did have to stand on a box for the love scenes. Warn't no love scenes in this movie anyway.
Tomorrow: Settling Down in the Big House

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Wood Knott can't be persuaded

Who Showed Up for Christmas

Y'all knew Doreen was coming. Well, she brung some of her grandkids with her. She must have a dozen or so, but she only brung four. Two, was her son, Randolph's boys--eight and six years old. They was pretty good. But her daughter Mildred's little girl cried the whole time she was here. She kept wanting something more than she got and the way I looked at she got more than she deserved. Now, her son, Lyndolph's boy warn't nothing but trouble. His name was Buster. That ought to tell you something. He tore up more stuff than you would believe. He even brung in the house a painted board he pulled off the barn. I was just about to give him what-for when Doreen taken him in to the front bedroom and whooped him good. He straightened out a little bit after that, but he ain't coming back if I can help it. Hollis and Dorothy had got gifts for all of 'em and the oldest two boys appreciated theirs. Even told me thank you. That little girl was whining even as they left. And Buster tore his clean up before he could even play with it. I'm telling you that boy could tear up a iron ball.
Tomorrow: What Dorothy Give Me

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Dwayne D. Poole is a spoilsport

Day After Christmas

You know I heard a fellow say one time that the fires don't burn as bright on the day after Christmas as they do the day before. I reckon I know what he was talking about. But there is one bright spot. Hollis and them got me a big ole television with HD. That's what makes the picture real clear. The big house already had a satellite dish and we got Conroy Dillard to come over and hook it up right. He works down at the hardware store and knows how to do stuff with electricity. So now we watching the Giants play Green Bay. You know we big Eli Manning fans. I met Archie one time when he stopped in to eat at Dorothy's Cafe on his way back to New Orleans. A lot of people stop by Dorothy's on their way up and down I-55. You know I never wanted a giant TV, but I'm glad I got it now. They say wanting stuff is a big part of the fun and I reckon I miss out on that. I don't seem to want nothing till I get it. Hollis got in today from Atlanta. That girl. He said they had a white Christmas (the first one since 1882.) But peoples was able to drive around pretty good. Here we just had a cold rain. Last year it snowed here a bunch. Once even before Christmas. The weather is acting funny these days, but it don't come close to how funny the peoples is acting.
Tomorrow: Who Showed Up for Christmas

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Imus Gough is always in a hurry

Getting Ready for Christmas

I ain't never had to do much for Christmas. When my wives was alive they done it. And when my kids growed up and didn't come around much it warn't necessary for me to have no tree or nothing. But this year with Doreen back in the fold and some of her kids and grandkids coming I gotta do something. I went out and chopped me down a tree. The ceiling is high in the big house, so I chopped down a big tree. None of my lights worked so I had to buy new ones. Hollis and a couple of Willie's kids helped to decorate. They drug out a lot of the balls and stars and things we had when my kids was young and bought a few new things too. Turned out real pretty. I got my presents wrapped by the store, so they sitting there waiting for all those coming. We send by Fed-Ex the ones to California. I even sent some to Bill's bunch. For Dorothy I got a real pretty bracelet down at Farmer's Jewelry Shoppe. Used to be just plain Shop, but they added the "pe" on the end so now they can charge more.

Harvey Lee will not post again until Sunday night. This might be a good time to go back to the beginning and read all of the posts to date.

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Moore Arliss in indefinite

Staying at the Big House

I reckon I got a little too comfortable at the big house so I decided to stay here while the weather is cold. It's been a lot colder this year than we usually see here. Next week is gonna be real cold. The big house has good heat and air conditioning and there is six fireplaces that I like a bunch. Dorothy comes over after work every day and brings food for me. I good a real good woman who comes twice a week to clean and take care of clothes washing. I reckon I got all I need. Doreen and some of her kids is coming for Christmas Day. Hollis helped me get some gifts for them. Some of them kids I ain't see in years. If they walked up to my door right now I would probably ask them what they wanted till I figured out who they was. We got a real a nice card from Jack and Lou Ann. It showed all their family standing in front of the Pacific Ocean. Real Nice. Ain't heard nothing from Bill.
Tomorrow: Getting Ready for Christmas

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Asa Diamond is a card

Harvey Lee Sums Up Last Years' Christmas

Well, all that happened--the stuff at May Margaret's house--last year. During the last twelve months Clara Susan got married. She had two services, one Methodist in Harper and one Catholic in Baton Rouge. Florabelle went to the one here. May Margaret went to the Catholic one and ain't stopped talking about it. Clara Susan decided she wanted to be called just Susan. Of course, her mamma warn't too happy about that and still calls her with two names. I think it's great and if I was younger I would be just called Harvey or maybe Lee. But I ain't gonna worry about that. Susan's husband is named Tony Maroni. Florabelle calls him Tony Macaroni (and not affectionately neither.) She says she ain't never gonna get used to her baby living with a New York Italian Catholic. Cleveron thinks his name really is Macaroni. I told him the other day that his family owned the Macaroni factory where all that stuff is made. Maybe I shouldn't have done it but sometimes you just can't help it. Tony and Susan is coming to Harper for Christmas. I can't wait to hear how that turns out. I went out to May Margaret's the other day and her house looked like a church or something with crosses and little statues with candles in front of them. She's still trying to find a New York recipe for catfish.
Tomorrow: Staying at the Big House

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Jimmy Stolatt is light-fingered. (Thanks Josie)

May Margaret Finds a Silver Lining

After they was all gone May Margaret said to Cleveron, well, all in all I'd have to say we had another successful Christmas. But tomorrow we got to start getting ready for next year. I'm on it, said Cleveron, the lights is all up. May Margaret said to that, but we has got so much more to do next year. We gonna have a real special new member of the family and he's from New York and he's a Catholic. I gotta find some new recipes. I hear them Catholics gotta eat fish or something. I need me a New York cookbook with some catfish recipes in it. Cleveron said, well, I sure as hell know how to catch a fish. And May Margaret said we need to go to the Baptist Book Store in Jackson and get one of them crosses. I wonder if they have such a thing as a Catholic Book Store. Oh, Cleveron, ain't it gonna be wonderful.
Tomorrow: Harvey Lee Sums Up Last Years' Christmas

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Ima Allred is embarrassed

A Speedy Departure

From what I was told it didn't take more'n five minutes for Harvey Lynn and his gang to load up and head out. That includes the little girl who tripped over the same root she hit coming in. Edna Agnes had to pick up the left over rice and gravy and the lime Jello-O with the chopped up celery and bananas. I can remember this cause I been hearing it for many years. Clara Susan and Mamma was first out the door and last to leave cause of all the loading up they had to do. Everyone else wanted out before their mamma so she wouldn't be onto them for partying around after she warn't there no more. Clara Susan reported to us that Florabelle didn't say nothing all the way home. She just sang church songs and even added her own words telling about how strong she was going to be in the face of all her troubles. Clara Susan said it warn't
no big deal to her since she been listening to this kind of stuff all her life and had decided not to let it creep up her no more.
Tomorrow: May Margaret Finds a Silver Lining

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Tiny Gaines isn't making much progress

Clara Susan's Big Surprise

Clara Susan told Hollis that when things settled down a little bit, after the T-shirts was handed out, she started fiddling around in her coat pocket. She found the ring she was hiding there and put it on the right finger. I've got one more present to show you she said and she held up her hand for all to see. May Margaret said well, who in the world is he. A guy I met at LSU said Clara Susan. He's from New York. Florabelle reached for her oxygen mask, put it on, and breathed real deep. A yankee? Oh, my Lord, a damn yankee. Esther Agnes said that was alright as long as he warn't Catholic. They ain't yet got over me going to that church all those years ago. Clara Susan looked them all directly in their eyes. He is. He is a very devout Catholic. The four other women in the room began to sniffle. Florabelle stood, unhooked her air supply and held her walker real firm like. She said I want to go home right now. I need to go to bed and I may never get out of it. That's what you done to me. You selfish, selfish girl. Cleveron chimed in, well at least he come down here to school.
Shut up, Cleveron said May Margaret.
Tomorrow: A Speedy Departure

Hollis' funny word of the day:
Nick O'Teen smokes like an Irish chimney

T-shirts

Esther Agnes was first. She was always talking about how proud she was of her high school education.
Her shirt said: I WENT ALL THE WAY IN HIGH SCHOOL  She said all I can say is I love it.
Clara Susan's shirt said on the front: I'M AVAILABLE. And on the back: 601-555-9876 (her phone no.)
Florabelle's front: IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY AIN'T NOBODY HAPPY on the back: AND WE AIN'T
NEVER HAPPY.
Harvey Lynn: I'M REAL GOOD AT DOING NOTHING
Betty Faye: ANOTHER ONE IN THE OVEN
Then May Margaret gave Cleveron his. She said he just wanted another BUDWEISER a red one to change up from always wearing his blue one. But I'm afraid the red will show up more through his white Sunday shirt than the blue she said.
And for me she said. Y'all know I can stand a little teasing: I MAY BE FAT BUT I'M SLOW
Tomorrow: Clara Susan's Big Surprise

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Cash N. Kerry is a speedy shopper

Gifts Are Handed Out

After the smoke-fest the group went into the living room and sat in front of the giant tree. The kids were first so they could go out in the yard or in the back rooms to play with their toys. Then everyone waited for their mamma to open her presents. She got Lady Fragrant perfume, and egg beater, a blue and green shawl, and a year's subscription to The Upper Room. The rest opened their gifts all at the same time while Florabelle sat and pouted like she didn't get what she wanted.
Then May Margaret told them she had a surprise for all of them. Something extra she said. Cleveron and me went to Biloxi this summer and got all y'all T-shirts. We picked each one special. Hope y'all like them.
Tomorrow: T-shirts

Heollis' funny name of the day:
X Humes is a grave robber

They All Eat

May Margaret asked Cleveron to slice some turkey. That was one of the things he does best. He could have been a great surgeon if cooked turkeys was all he had to operate on. Y'all pass your plates down to Cleveron and tell him what you want, white or dark meat. We got both. Pass to the left please. Esther Agnes reminded everyone to try her rice and gravy and her lime Jell-O. I spent a lot of time cutting up celery and bananas. They passed green bean casserole, beets, turnips, turnip greens, two kinds of dressing--one with oysters, one without. There was ambrosia, sweet potatoes, and macaroni and cheese. For dessert they had potato pie, coconut cake, three kinds of fruit cake, pecan pie, and three kinds of ice cream. After they was sufficiently stuffed everybody got out their cigarettes. Clara Susan swore everybody smokes a different brand. Betty Faye lit up and May Margaret asked her if she warn't afraid to smoke with her being in a family way. She said she smoked while all the other ones was in the over and they turned our just fine. Esther Agnes said that warn't so. All them kids was marked for smoking. Right down at the end of their spine they all had this little butt. Clara Susan, don't smoke, so she left the room and carried her book into the living room. May Margaret remarked that she had never heard of The English Patient and she didn't know of the English being all that patient. They sure warn't patient with George Washington and all them columnists.
Tomorrow: Handing Out the Gifts

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Frances Snooty (need I say more)

The Blessing

As told to Hollis by Clara Susan:
May Margaret said y'all bow your heads and close your eyes. Dear, Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. And help us as we go through this life to make the right decisions. Bless Esther Agnes as she tries to get over her husband running off with that woman that played trumpet in the Harper Quartet all those years ago. And if it be thy will, render unto that no-good man all the punishment that you see fit. And fix that trumpet playing woman too. And please help Clara Susan to get interested in a man. We all worry about her and her situation so much. They's so many good menfolk around here. If I sat and made a list I'm sure I could name 5 or 6 that would be good for her. And bless Mamma. Help her as she goes through her search for teeth that fit. It must be awful to go around with a mouth full of teeth that don't go with your gums. Bless Harvey Lynn and Betty Faye as they expand their family. Give them the wisdom to know when to quit. And bless them kids of theirs. Teach them to be quiet and respectful and to help their mamma and daddy with the new baby coming out soon and all. And help them oldest boys with their boils. Teach them not to pick at 'em so they can get well. And, Dear Lord, bless Cleveron. Help him to get back on at the panty factory. And help the others who got let go. It don't seem right. Ladies got to have panties even if times is bad. Thank God I still got my job driving the school bus. We pray a special blessing for our boy in San Francisco. Keep him safe from all them things going on out there. Things we see on Fox News and all. And help our boy in New Orleans working in that night club. I know he can sing good, but he could be singing church songs. And bless his roommate. It still don't seem right living in the same apartment with a member of the opposite sex, but so many things don't seem right these days. And bless our new president. It must be real hard on him trying to run a country. It would be hard even for a white man, so please be with him and guide him since he was elected and all. We ask all these blessings in Christ's name. Amen"
"Amen," said the group.
"And God bless us everyone," sighed Clara Susan.
Tomorrow: They All Eat

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Nova Cain is numbing

Sitting Down to Eat

Cleveron come home from that new church out in the county. May Margaret asked about Sparky being a wise man and Cleveron said he was just funning her. Actually, he played the part of the third wise man. Clara Susan told Hollis that was what she called ironic. I guess because Cleveron ain't what you might call real smart. He said he played the part of Gold and the other two men was Murray and Frankenstein. May Margaret told everyone to sit where they wanted and then commenced to telling everyone where they should sit. Florabelle left all her breathing stuff in the living room. She can get along real good without it when it comes to eating and such. The kids was put over to the side where a couple of card tables had been lined up together. Harvey Lynn kept his belt in his hand just in case. May Margaret said she would give thanks because she had a lot of things on her mind she needed to pray about.
Tomorrow: The Blessing

Hollis' funny word of the day:
Della Ware Sprada is vain

Mamma and Clara Susan Arrive

Harvey Lynn made his kids go out in the yard to work off some of their energy before his mamma got there. He warned them not to upset her because of her condition. Esther Agnes wanted to know what about her with her high blood and all. Harvey Lynn told the kids to be good around their aunt too. It warn't long until my sister, Florabelle's 1992 Cadillac come pulling up to the front door. You've seen the model, the one you could play a game of ping-pong on the hood. Clara Susan was driving. Clara Susan always dresses real modern like. She finished LSU this year and is in graduate school there now. She's writing a book on Mississippi women during the depression. Smart girl. Everybody come rushing out and offering to help their mamma get out of the car in into the house. She always has so much to bring in with all them tanks and tubes she needs. Florabelle complained all the way into the house about aching bones and people pulling and yanking on her. Clara Susan brung in her mamma's walker and was carrying a book to keep her occupied. It was called The English Patient. May Margaret wanted to know if her mamma had a new wig, but Florabelle said she had just pulled that one out of mothballs because she wanted a red one for Christmas.
Tomorrow: Sitting Down to Eat

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Tootie Horne is annoying

Harvey Lynn, Betty Faye, and All Them Kids

Esther Agnes asked May Margaret how many kids Harvey Lynn and them had.  She guessed it was 7 or 8, but May Margaret said it was just 5, but seemed like more. The two oldest boys come running up the steps. They was wearing Peyton Manning jerseys and New Orleans Saints caps. Next come two girls one nine and the other ten. They was just wearing jeans and sweaters and flip-flops. A barefoot three year old wearing a heavy sweater over a diaper broke free from her mamma and headed for the door. She tripped over a root and lay spread eagle on the dirt yard. She jumped up and ran behind the others. Harvey Lynn held the door open for Betty Faye who was great with child. It was obvious that it was time for her weekly shampoo. Y'all get yourself in this house said May Margaret. The oldest boy stopped short at the sight of the tree bent against the ceiling. That's a damn big tree he said. Harvey Lynn--in one motion--pulled his belt from its loops and delivered a pop to the left buttock of the boy. Then he immediately applied the same punishment to his brother. What'd I do he said? That was just in case you was thinking about it said Harvey
Lynn.
Tomorrow: Mamma and Clara Susan Arrive

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Billy Ruben is jaundiced

Nativity Dogs

Esther Agnes couldn't believe it. Dogs going to church. But May Margaret said they warn't going in the church only they was gonna be made up like cattle and sheep for the outside nativity scene. May Margaret said that Sparky a tall, composite dog who could walk several feet on his hind legs was gonna be one of the wise men since the church was new and the was a wise man short. At least that's what Cleveron told her. Well I ain't never said Esther Agnes. Then she noticed the Christmas tree. It was 10 foot tall in a room with a 8 foot ceiling. I know, I know said May Margaret, but Cleveron said to cut off the top or the bottom would mess up the shape of the tree. She said she was worried what her mamma was gonna say since she couldn't put that big star on top. Mamma had give 'em that star a few years ago and that was the first thing she noticed. May Margaret remarked that she heard Harvey Lynn and Betty Faye making the turn off Rumble Road. I sure wish he'd get that muffler fixed she said.
Tomorrow: Harvey Lynn, Betty Fay, and All Them Kids

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Stu D. Baker is hard to find

Esther Agnes Arrives

This is what Esther Agnes told Clara Susan:
I got there first. I was always first. Somebody has to look out for those noodle-heads. When I got there I knew right off something was missing. It warn't the yellow school bus what May Margaret drove and the four dead cars with all color Christmas lights all over them was there. Cleveron hung them four years ago and they has been there ever since. I figured it out; it was the dogs. They was usually jumping on me and tearing my stockings. I come in the house and May Margaret was in the kitchen. I asked her where she wanted me to put the rice and gravy and the lime Jell-O with celery and bananas that I do. She said anywhere I could find a place. We'd been having Christmas dinner with May Margaret since mamma's house had that fire. I tried to tell her to take that tree down, but she left it up till that April night when it exploded and greatly damaged her house. It still has that blue stuff covering up the roof on the far side. May Margaret put my Jell-O in the icebox and told me to hang my coat in the hall. We ain't gonna have Christmas at my house because all my stuff is too good to be tore up. I don't even have the missionary group there since somebody spilled Kool-Ade all over my couch. I asked May Margaret where her dogs was and she said Cleveron had took them to church.
Tomorrow: Nativity Dogs

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Weldon Burger is dry and has no taste

Note from Hollis re Australia

Uncle Harvey Lee has decided to abandon his reporting on Oprah's trip. He told me that if anyone wanted to know about it all they had to do was watch it on TV. Instead he wants to begin telling about his cousin
Florabelle Swinston and her family's Christmas dinner last year.

Y'all ought to meet my cousin Florabelle and her family. They are CHARACTERS. Her daughters are: May Margaret, Esther Agnes, and Clara Susan. Her boy is Harvey Lynn, named after me, darn it. May Margaret's husband is Cleveron. They all smokes like a tar-paper fire except the youngest daughter, Clara Susan. She's a good friend of Hollis. She seems to have more in common with him than the rest of the family. She's the one what told Hollis about the goings-on last year and called it May Margaret's Christmas Extravaganza.
Florabelle ain't as old as me, but she is run down. She has to breathe oxygen--well, I reckon we all do--but hers comes in a tank. And she is about as ornery as they come. Clara Susan puts up with her and the rest of her family real good. She's a college graduate--LSU--but don't hold that against her. She's about the only one over there with any sense.
Tomorrow: Esther Agnes Arrives

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Todd Ball doesn't fit in

More Going-ons in Harper

Today, we had our Christmas Parade. It starts down in the Harper Baptist Church parking lot and runs down Main Street past Harper Lake Baptist Church past all the businesses and ends up in the little park on the lake. Same route every year. Same Sandy Claws every year. Same costume. Same manger scene on the back of a flat bed truck. Same beads and whistles and candy canes thrown to the kids. But this year Sandy rode on a brand new truck. Red as his outfit. They been trying to get me to play Sandy Claws for years, but it's too late now that I'm 78. Of course, Dewitt Haysmith, who plays Sandy now, is more'n 80. It shows cause he has a hard time holding his balance on the back of that truck. He made it though. Not so sure about next year. The Harper Lake Baptist choir sang "O Holy Night' with Minnie McDonnell singing the loud part. She thinks she's an opera star. I think they call them divers or something, but she ain't. All in all everything went real good. I think next year I may take 'em up on their offer and be Sandy. I got some ideas that may shake things up a little. Hope I'm still getting Hollis to write this next year so y'all can hear all about it. Just for a hint, we will have real sheep, cattle, and such. I guess ain't much chance of camels, but you never know.
Tomorrow: Oprah Arrives in Australia

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Wilmer Durr is an assassin

A Funny Thing That Happened in Harper

I ain't forgot about Oprah and her trip to Australia, but things is still going on in Harper. That trip ain't gonna affect us one bit. I wanted to tell y'all about something that happened down at the Social Needs Office which is 3 doors down from the hardware store. Mildred Swarms is the lady down there that says who gets help and who don't. Her and Frances McGruder, a good Baptist, was discussing the Christmas gift collection. Mildred in a Methodist. About that time this woman from out in the country come in. She had a stomach that stuck out like a big knot on a little log. I don't know the woman's name, the one that was with child, but Frances told me all about it. Well this mother-to-be was looking for money to help to get her through her expecting time. Mildred, trying to find out if she could get help from other sources, asked her who the father was. And she said it ain't got no father. Well, Frances said Mildred jumped up, knocked her chair over, and pushed pass them on her way to the front window. The young woman asked what was wrong and Mildred said she was just looking for the star, and the shepherd, and the wise men. She said she was particularly excited because this was the second time this had happened. You can't push too much past Mildred.
Tomorrow: More Goings-on Around Harper

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Al K. Hall is a drunk

An Australian La Boheme

I know a lot of people don't like opera and I am one of the few in Harper that listens to it. If any of y'all want to try it then La Boheme is the one you want to go to. I told y'all my daddy lived with an Italian family in New Orleans while he was working out in the Gulf of Mexico and they got him into opera. Everybody around here thought he was crazy but my daddy didn't care. That's just the way he was. Well one of the movies Hollis brought me was La Boheme filmed in that big opera house in Sydney. I ain't never seen a opera in person and this was the first movie I seen. It was real good. There warn't no fat ladies in it and the singing was real good. Like I told y'all I listened so much over the years till I know what note is coming next and these people didn't miss a note. They did move it up from 1850 to 1950. I usually don't like it when they mess with things like that, but this time it worked real good. If I ever had the chance to go to Australia, which I won't, the Sydney Opera is the thing I would plan my trip around. I wish y'all all would try this opera to see if you can stand it, but don't do it if you can't abide things with a sad ending.
Tomorrow: A Funny Thing That Happened in Harper

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Millie Pied is all feet

Another Movie from Down Under

I reckon y'all would like this movie called The Man from Snowy River. I did. It's about a boy who has to leave his home in the Australian mountains and go to the lower lands to live. He gets a job on this ranch that owned by the twin brother of a good friend of his daddy. Both parts is played by Kirk Douglas. I reckon he went over there to make it. The names of the twins in the movie was Harrison and Spur. I ain't never heard of twins whose names warn't similar. Like we got to old men twins here in Harper name of Ricky Ronald and Dicky Donald. That make more sense to me. Anyway Jim falls in love with Harrison's daughter, Jessica, and they have a big problem cause her daddy don't want none of that romance. Besides him and Spur has been feuding for many years. The boy becomes a man when he proves he can do real good at herding wild horses (brumbies.) There is one funny shot when, if you look real close, you can see a rider in and amongst the wild horses. But that's okay. The boy becoming a man was the important thing. Like my Jack become a man on his trip home. Of course Jack was a boy for a lot longer than this Jim in the movie.But that's alright.
Tomorrow: An Australian La Boheme

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Falinda Lake is a klutz (thanks Rick)

Some Australian Movies Hollis Brought Me

Before I get into the movies, I need to straighten out something I said yesterday. I said the Australian peoples was spread out. This can't be true since most of 'em live close to the coast. Sorry.
Now the movies. Hollis had a whole bunch of movies sent through the mail in little red envelopes. We get four at a time. They was all made in Australia. Hollis liked all of 'em, but just like with American movies I only liked about 20%. One I really liked was Danny Deckchair. It was about this bloke (man) in Sydney who worked with cement. He lived with his sheila (girl) and they was having a fight. He was happy living like they did, but she wanted to move up in the world. They had a party and Danny had got some big balloons--through a mix up in the printing on the balloons--and some helium. He hooked these up to a deckchair and him and his friends was fooling around when they looked away at a ball game on TV and Danny went sailing up over the city. He got in a thunderstorm and landed much later in a small town to the north. You'll have to look at it yourself for more, but it tells a lot about how good the people are down there.
I think Danny would fit in real good in Harper.
Tomorrow: Another Movie From Down Under

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Lila Kadogg can't be trusted

More About Australia

I got real interested in Australia after watching Oprah. In case y'all forgot I started watching Oprah with my
third wife Trixie, the one what run off with the tent preacher. And I kinda got in the habit. It's sorta like Trixie is sitting there in the room with me. Even thought the room is now in my cabin instead of the big house where we use to sit every afternoon. I learned a few things on Oprah and got to watching other shows like Discovery and them other teaching channels. Here is some of the stuff I found out.
In Australia the peoples is spread out a lot, only 2 peoples for every what they call sq. kilometer.
Most people, about 85 per cent, live within 50 kilometers of the sea coast. A kilometer is less than a mile.
Down there they call sunglasses sunnies, lipstick lippies, and their wild dogs is dingoes.
They have a big city, Sydney, where the opera house is shaped like a big sea shell or ship's sails or something like that.
The peoples are really friendly and used to say g'day when they'd meet you, but now they just say hi.
And what I really like they is carefree. You can tell because they always saying "No worries." Ain't that good. I think so.
Tomorrow: Some Australian Movies Hollis Brought Me

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Jill Yout is laid back (not one of my best)

Oprah Gets Ready for Australia

Note from Hollis: I must post early today, have to go to Jackson. Please be aware that I do not watch the Oprah Show and have to rely on what Uncle Harvey Lee tells me to write. So if I get anything wrong I apologize.

Doreen left today. She had taken some of her vacation to be with us. I can't tell you how happy I am at the way she has cleaned herself up, getting rid of that tattoo and all that black nail polish and stuff. She is a different person all of a sudden and I am happy. And Jack and his family have made me proud.
Looks like the next big thing for me is Oprah going to Australia. I watch her show most every day and this is a big thing to happen. She has been having people from Australia on lately, like that tall girl that used to be married to Tom Whats-His-Name. I figured the Australian people would be happy to have all these folks visit, but Hollis tells me a lot of people down there don't like it that their hard-earned tax money is going to pay for some of the trip. I reckon Oprah ought to have enough to cover all that. I hope she does.
Tomorrow: More About Australia

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Dan D. Lyon just won't go away

Jack and His Family Leave

Jack and Lou Ann and their grandchildren, Benjamin and Franklin, piled into the rented car with the Louisiana license plate and headed for New Orleans to catch their plane to San Francisco, California. It stopped raining and was warmer so they had the top down. As they was leaving Lou Ann gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was that they came. The boys did the same and lo and behold so did Jack.
He said we'll see you soon, Pop, (that's what they all call me.)
So they drove off and left me and Doreen standing there. Hollis was at school so it was just me and my pretty daughter standing there waving them off. I have to admit my prayers has been two-thirds answered.
Now if I can figure some way to get Bill back on board. I always figured he would be the easiest to get back, but I had no idea what a creep he has become. Now I want y'all to know I know some real good lawyers. Some of the best people I know. But Willie's boy Charles and my boy Bill ain't in there amongst "em.
Tomorrow: Oprah Gets Ready for Australia

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Tillie Aster came close to becoming an old maid

Me and Lou Ann Have a Chat

Me and Lou Ann talked but not in the boat. She ain't too good with water. We was sitting on the porch of the big house on the lake side. The porch runs all the way around the house, but the lake side is fixed up with a swing and rocking chairs. We was rocking away and talking a bunch. She told me what a good husband Jack had been. He was kind and considerate and was always telling her how much he loved her. Now, I never would have guessed it. She said she had for years tried to get him to call me or to come for a visit, but he was too ashamed for how he did when he was young. I asked her if she thought he was afraid if he did hurry up and come over I might be dead before he did. And she said she didn't want to say it, but she was sure that was a big reason. Lou Ann told me all their children was good and working hard to raise their families. She showed me pictures and I swear there's something real pretty about that Chinese/English/German/French mixture. They was all beautiful. I hope one day they will all come to Harper to see me.
Tomorrow: Jack and His Family Leave

Hollis' funny name of the day:
U. Wall is from the South

The New Doreen

After Jack went off in that car he rented, Doreen wanted me to take her out in the boat, just the two of us. I figured she wanted to talk and I figured right. When we got out to the middle she started off just like Jack,
spouting all kind of stuff. She was sorry she hadn't treated me good all these years. She was sorry she had married those two no-good fellows, the gambler and the drunkard. She said she knew they was rotten but figured she could change them. Seems like I heard that story before. She had a new job and was making good helping to manage this gravel company where she lives. And she, I'll have to say, was as pretty as she used to be. She got rid of that black nail polish and that dark, dark lipstick. And her hair was all one color. Her dress was real pretty and not hippy-like which was what she wore before. And she was using good English. Better'n me of course, but I ain't got no reason to and she does. She is going to a Methodist Church right regular and sings in the choir. I reckon that's alright, but ever time I been to the Methodists all their songs sounded just alike to me. So as we was rowing in Doreen promised me she was going to do better and I believed her.
Tomorrow: Me and Lou Ann Have a Chat

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Rudy Wade King was caught off guard

Jack Comes Clean

After we woke up from our turkey naps, Jack asked me to go out in the boat with him again. When we was in the middle of Harper Lake, Jack commenced to crying and telling me how sorry he treated me like he done and how sorry he was about running off and leaving them girls carrying his babies. I told him I don't know what I would have done with two girls in trouble both at the same time. He didn't take no comfort in that and said he should have sent money or something. I told him both girls married good and they didn't have to worry about money. And then I told him something I hadn't planned on telling him. I told him about the money I give them boys (they was both boys) to go to college. They never knew it was me because I got Joe Diggins down at the bank to handle it for me. They both turned out successful and now was both married. Jack wanted to go and see them and to apologize and I didn't tell him he shouldn't. So he took off by himself in that rented car, but this time he had the top up. It turned cold last night and the wind is blowing today.
Tomorrow: The New Doreen

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Doug Welles is all wet

Thanksgiving Dinner With My Family, and More

We got Willie, Gladys, and some of their kids to join us for dinner. It was a real get-together. Jack was the most excited to see his old friends. Doreen come over from that little town where she lives and had a surprise for me. Jack knew about it because he had called her and told her about one of his inventions. It was a laser thing that they used to remove her tattoo. And it did a good job. Warn't nothing left but a little pink skin. She ain't advertising for Falstaff no more. Dorothy come over too. Her and Gladys took over the kitchen and brought out a great spread. The center piece was a big fried turkey. And two dressings, one with oysters, one without. Homemade cranberry sauce. Lots of vegetables: green beans, squash, collard greens, pink eyed peas, and a bunch of radishes, onions, pickles, olives, and carrots. For dessert we had pumpkin pie, pecan pie, banana pudding, coconut cake, and peach cobbler with homemade ice cream.
We was stuffed. After we finished we all sat in the living room of the big house. And you know what, we fell asleep, kinda in the order of our age. At least that's what they told me.
Tomorrow: Jack Comes Clean

Hollis' funny names:
Asa Diamond is a card
Denny Felder, den he got his face slapped

More About Bill

Jack probably said more'n he meant to, but he pretty much bad-mouthed Bill. Said he was selfish, stuck-up,
and a bad sport. Last time they met Bill bragged about how much money he was making and dropped the name of a whole bunch of movie stars. The only one I knew much about was Ben Johnson. Jack told me Ben died a few years ago. I didn't know that. He was real good in westerns. Bill told Jack that he was in the wrong business and that he's never make any real money in Silly Comb Valley. I asked Jack if he was happy doing what he was doing and kinda made him talk about his inventions. He worked on that grocery scanner thing and did some work on lasers for different kinds of medical stuff. He said when Doreen come over for Thanksgiving, she had a surprise that had to do with his work. I probably forgot to mention Doreen was coming over, but she is.
Tomorrow: Thanksgiving Dinner With My Family and More

Hollis' funny names:
Falinda Blank is unfulfilled
Ali Goverone is independent (I made this up last year and it took me a while to remember what it was)

What Jack Had to Say About Bill

Me and Jack went out in the boat like we used to when he was little. For a long while we didn't say nothing to each other. Then Jack commenced to talking and it was like the little boy took his finger out of the dike. He spouted out all kind of things. He met Lou Ann at Ole Miss. They sat close together in some lab (she was a Wu and as you know his name started with a "W" too.) They hit it off and dated all through college. She was from the Mississippi Delta region and her folks run some kind of store. He said he never told us none of this cause he was afraid what we would say. I mean come on. Then he said the reason he never come home much was he was ashamed. Not of us, but of what he done growing up. He said he had growed up a lot and was real sorry now. Lou Ann told him he better get home and make amends. I like that girl better all the time. I asked him if he ever saw Bill and he said he seen him three or four times since they left college. Bill made a lawyer and he's real big in Southern California doing stuff with the movies. I asked Jack if he thought Bill would ever come back to see us and Jack said he didn't reckon so.
Tomorrow: More About Bill

Hollis' funny names:
Ronnie Gnose has a cold
Letsa Moak is a nicotine fiend

Jack Arrives

Jack come in today. He drove up in a rented car with a Louisiana tag on it. And with him was his wife, a pretty woman of the Chinese persuasion, and two of his grand-kids, two good looking boys. You could count on Jack to have good looking people around him.
His wife, Lou Ann, was real nice to me. She kept bringing me things like coffee and cake and other treats. I liked her right off. And the boys couldn't get enough of my accent and the way I talked. They kept asking me to tell them about this and that--how the lake was made and named and what kind of fish we had in it.
They was named Franklin and Benjamin. I ain't joking. They was ten and eleven and had different mamas and daddies, but they looked enough alike to be brothers. I got them to tell me all about their life in California, but they seemed more interested in life in Harper.
Them boys almost fainted when Willie and me went out fishing together. They said this warn't what they heard about Mississippi. I said, " Well, if y'all won't believe everything you heard about Mississippi, I won't believe everything I heard about California."
Tomorrow: What Jack Had to Say About Bill

Hollis' funny names:
Perry Stall's sis is a mover
Oliver Moore is more devoted to his wife today than yesterday

Willie's Other Four Children

Willie and Gladys have worked hard to rear their eight kids. Willie was with the railroad, a car knocker. I don't reckon he missed one day of work in all the years he worked there. And Gladys was a nurse, a LPN, and she was real good about always being there.
Lester is the child that I think is the smartest. In fact he is smarter than most anybody I know. He went to Jackson State and then got a job with the highway department. He figures out where roads is going to be built.
June flies for Highsky Airways. She is a flight attendant (that's what Hollis says they called now) and she's been flying out of New Orleans for years. She's the only one that ain't got married, but they's some pilot that's always coming to Harper to see her.
Delores is a music teacher in the schools. Her choirs are real good. They been on nationwide tours.
And Charles. He's the one that's a lawyer. I can say a lot of real good things about Willie's kids and if I put my mind to it, I could probably find something good to say about Charles. Well he's got a wonderful mother and father. How about that?
They got so many grandchildren and great grandchildren, I ain't going to try to tell all about them.
Jack will be here tomorrow. Heaven help us.
Tomorrow: Jack and his Surprise

Hollis' funny names:
Simon Tayneous is a multi-tasker (thanks Lou)
Baretta Hatchet is forgiving

Willie's Kids (the Twins)

Hollis got back in from the Ole Miss/LSU football game too late to post last night. Ole Miss lost, but they played alright I reckon.
One of Willie's kids went to LSU. I think it was Charles, the lawyer. It'd be just like him to go down yonder to go to school. Willie and Gladys got eight children. One day when me and Willie was fishing, instead of just funning around, I got serious and asked him why he had so many children. He said Gladys loved children and as long as he could take care of them without having to depend on charity he reckoned it was okay. I say better'n okay. They all turned out excellent. I asked him one day how he managed to have such good kids and he said, "Me and Gladys just saw to it."
The first kids they had was two sets of twins. Yep. Lois and Lola first. And then Larry and Barry. Lois and Lola is both teachers. They stayed right here in Harper and taught black children until they was able to teach all the children. They always getting rewards. Larry and Barry is both preachers. In Georgia. They both got big churches and word is out they saving souls all over the south.
Tomorrow: The Other Four Kids

Hollis' funny names:
Juan Moore never gets enough
Ophelia Payne is empathetic

Note from Baton Rouge

Sorry I went to Ole Miss / LSU football game today and did not bring my notes from Uncle Harvey Lee.
Tomorrow I will post his report on his friend Willie's children.
Uncle Harvey Lee tells me over and over how thankful he is to all those that check in on his blog. He wonders where the viewers live. There is a listing for those outside the United States, but individual cities and states are not listed. If you would be kind enough to list your city and state (one time only) under comments Uncle Harvey Lee can tell where his followers live.

Thanks
Hollis

My Friend Willie

Jack will be here, I think, on Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday. I have to wonder what kind of surprise he's bringing. That's what he told Hollis. Me and Hollis got the big house ready. Dorothy gave her blessing on our work, so I'm sitting around waiting. I'm gonna round up my friend Willie and we gonna go fishing. Me and Willie fish together at least once a week. Willie would be the one I would have put in Reader's Digest as my most unforgettable character. He has made a great life for himself and his family and without all the advantages he would have had if he was white. All his kids, all eight of 'em, finished college. I'll tell about them later. They are all good people. And his wife is the perfect mate, I think. She don't put up with no foolishness though. From Willie or me. She come over one day back when I was drinking and gave me what for. I didn't stop right that day, but I think she got me lined up to give up all that bad stuff. Back when my oil money come in I tried to give Willie some help, with all those children, you know. He wouldn't hear about it. I did sneak in a little scholarship money to some of the schools for a few of his kids. Don't want him to know. He won't be reading any of this, cause I made Hollis promise not to spread the word around Harper. You know about me doing these little stories.
Tomorrow: Willie's Kids

Hollis' funny names:
Mose Ian Down is laid back
Adelia Card is from Vegas

My Friend Dorothy

Dorothy runs the cafe in Harper. She is without a doubt the best cook in the world. It's because of the different kinds of things she makes. Like tripe in cream and onion sauce and catfish in tomato and okra sauce. She makes it all without breaking a sweat and she don't have no writ down recipes. It's all in her head. I asked her what we would do if she ever got where she couldn't cook. And she said, well you wouldn't be able to eat at Dorothy's Cafe would you? Most everything she makes comes from the lake or local farms, not much bussed in, don't you know.
Dorothy is more'n a cook to me. We are what I like to call special friends. It's not like we do a lot of cuddling or anything like that, but we love to sit in the swing on her front porch and talk or not talk, whatever we want to do.
Like I told y'all I been married three times. Dorothy ain't never been married. Her boyfriend was killed in Viet Nam, early on. I guess you can tell from that she's a lot younger than me. But that's okay. I knowed her since she was a little girl. I guess that's why I hold her in such great respect.
Tomorrow: My Friend Willie

Hollis' funny names:
Vera Rude is not a nice person
Miss Bea Haven is out of control

Dueling Arias

I think I told y'all my daddy lived with this Italian family before WWII when he was working out of New Orleans. He was working out in the gulf, one week out and one week in, so he spent a lot of time with the Ponti family. He learned to love Italian food and Italian opera. People around here thought it was strange. They mostly listened to the Grand Ole Opry and church music. My daddy had this Victrola (the one with a crank handle) and about 25 records. And he played them in the living room of our house. Puccini and Verdi mostly. Seemed like he couldn't get enough and I heard the arias so much that eventually I knew the next note that was coming.
My mamma never took on to it and was in the kitchen most times listening to country on this plastic radio that sat on a shelf above the sink. Well, in the middle of the house it was crazy. Mimi vs. Kitty Wells and Rodolfo vs. Ernest Tubb. Now, I like 'em both.
Hollis give me this little doo-flicky called an ipod. He put a whole bunch of opera and opry music on it and
now I can listen all day to either one.
Tomorrow: My Friend Dorothy

Hollis' funny names:
Marty Pantz is a know-it-all
Tarzan Feathers was run out of town

Sampson the Cat (cont.) by Hollis

       Eyes on his prey, he waits, invisible in his stillness. He slinks closer, but only by millimeters and only when the unsuspecting victim is focused on other things.
       Twenty-five minutes into his quest, Sampson senses a slight signal of vulnerability in the tiny mouse, now only a few feet away. The little tiger springs across the green living room carpet. Into his eyes flash the tall grasses of the jungle. Small involuntary muscles unsheathe claws, razor sharp from daily workouts on an old scratching pad. Primitive sounds and smells meld in his brain. "Grrrrr," he roars.
       A slight quiver just before impact provides the only evidence the mouse is aware of the attack. Sampson would prefer to taunt and tease his victim, but his claws are too sharp and one is driven deep into a vital organ. Perhaps this is the only kindness in the whole operation.
       A second later the deed is done.
Tomorrow: Dueling Arias

Hollis' funny names:
Justin Thyme is punctual
Bud Tugley ain't a pretty sight

Sampson the Cat by Hollis

       Sampson is a proud cat. Consider the evidence: a row of scratch marks on the baseboard behind the living room sofa, one for each rodent victim. And there is the thing he has with mirrors. I am amused by Sampson's attraction to his reflection. He thinks he's got a playmate. Good company for a lonely cat. But the cat recognizes his image. He is not interested in play. Preening and flexing and posing are his games.
       He fancies himself a tiger, maybe because of his orange and black stripes, but probably some genetic code presents mere tendencies as a false identity. So he acts a tiger's part, particularly while on the hunt. Sometimes his pursuit lasts for long minutes. Other times he finds success almost as soon as the hunt begins. Sampson prefers the long stalk. Winning isn't the issue--he almost always wins--the chase is his passion.
Tomorrow: Sampson the Cat (cont.)

Hollis' funny names:
Dedmond Walkin is doomed
Candy Liver is dependable

Finishing Touches

Getting the big house ready has been a big job. Hollis let me know that Jack said they would need six beds.
Good Lord, I said, what all kinda people they bringing with 'em? Cause you see last I seen Jack they was just one of him. Now looks like he done branched out some. Dorothy is gonna take care of little things like putting flowers in all the rooms. We is having fall here now and can leave the windows open. Ain't nobody gonna come in and bother nothing. Ain't much to bother. We gonna go to DealMart and buy one of them wide screen television sets and get the satellite dish hooked up again. I use a aerial myself cause I can pick up the Jackson channel that shows Oprah. That's about all I watch. Sometime this preacher from Texas, but not much else. Except baseball and football. And ever now and then Bill O'Riley and Greta What's-her-name, but not much else. Except Al, that morning weatherman. We got this old cat, Sampson, been hanging around the big house for years. He manages to get by real good without our help. Hollis wrote a little story about Sampson when he watched him catch a mouse one day. I'm gonna let him tell that for a while.
Tomorrow: Samson the Cat

Hollis' funny names:
Kumquat May is mellow
Lisa Karr gets a new vehicle every year

Opening Up the Big House

Like I told you I been living down in my fishing cabin for a while now. It's big enough for me and easy to keep up. I was raised in a big house about half way around the lake. It used to belong to my momma's family. They was big in the town. Her daddy was a judge. I been before him myself a couple of time when I was a youngun. Like I told y'all, my daddy was wounded in WWII and died a year after he come back. My momma never recovered, but she kept up the house and after me and Bethel got married we moved in with her. We didn't have to worry too much about money and we really didn't have to worry after the oil money came in. Sometimes I think I might have made more of myself if I hadn't had all them dollars coming up out of the ground. But that's okay. I done alright.
Me and Hollis been going up to the big house everyday, airing it out and sending the curtains to the cleaners and stuff like that. We even got some carpet cleaners in and hired a woman to scrub it up real good. My friend Dorothy looks in on us to make sure we doing everything right.
Tomorrow: Finishing Touches

Hollis' funny names:
Rob Banks is a felon
Sheila Taku is agressive

Planning Food

Figuring out what to have to eat is gonna be a problem. You see, Jack has been living out in California for a long time and I think they eat a lot different than we do down here. Maybe he wants some of the old stuff because he is coming back home after all. But maybe not. Now, Dorothy, my good friend, down at the cafe can cook most anything, but she might not even know the names of some of the things they eat out there. At least that's what Hollis thinks. Hollis is gonna do what he calls research. He told me last night where it is Jack's been working. Silly Comb Valley. They do all kind of computer stuff out there and from what I've read a lot of things that just ain't good sense. Jack'll be home in just two weeks so we are getting the big house ready. It's just been sitting there since I moved to the lake. I do go by once a week and flush all the toilets, eight of 'em, and run water in all the drains. Swamp gas, you know. At least that's what I call it.
Tomorrow: Opening Up the Big House

Hollis' funny names:
Barney Ard is a farmer
Noah Count is a loser

Getting Ready for Jack

You know I ain't seen Jack in over thirty years. Like I said it's kinda painful for him to come, but I really do want to see him. He told Hollis he was bringing a surprise. Now that may be a good thing, but I has my doubts. I told y'all all the stuff he was into when he was in school back here. Hollis said Jack helped invent that little do-ma-hitchie that they run your groceries over and it adds up your cost. They don't have that in the Neighbor Pantry, our local grocery store, but they has 'em down at DealMart in the next county. Hollis said that when they first got 'em in down there a rich looking lady accidentally ran her diamond ring over the glass and it added $25,000.00 on the bill. He was just funning of course, but for a minute I thought it wouldn't be out of the way for Jack to build something like that into his machine.
Well, I got to get ready for Jack and his surprise and I also got to get ready for Doreen and whatever nonsense she's gonna bring over. I wish Bill was coming too.
Tomorrow: Planning Food

Hollis' funny names:
Rhonda Bend lives near-by
Helen Wheels is a speed demon

Pursued by the Churches

Hollis has something to do tonight so the post will be early today.
Back when we first hit oil, Henrietta Dolittle come up to me on the street and said didn't all that noise the oil well made wake me up at night. I said it sure did. About 2 AM every night it woke me up, but I just smiled and turned over and went back to sleep. You know having all that oil money ain't made much difference in my life. I thought for a while some, well almost all, of the churches in the county was after me for my money. But I started giving to all of them anyway and they still was after me. I guess they ain't chasing my money. They chasing my soul. A while back I told you how painful it was to sit in the churches where my Bethel and Mary Kate used to sit beside me. And I ain't got no desire to go to them revivals where Trixie was lured off by one of them tent preachers. So for right now I'll continue to take King James down beside the lake every Sunday morning and feel the Glory of the Lord there. Might not be right, but that's where I am right now.
Tomorrow: Getting Ready for Jack

Hollis' funny names:
Mae Bloom never did
Warren Peace is bi-polar

Oil

Some people have contacted Hollis, privately, with concern about me living in near poverty. Just to clear things up, I ain't got no money problems. Oil. Years ago they struck oil on some property my daddy bought when he come back to Harper after the war. People thought he was crazy. They wondered why he wanted to buy land that just sat there and had a tax bill every year. Taxes to make the sheriff rich. But daddy said no telling what that property could do for him. It's a shame he didn't live to see how much money it brought in. Anyway my mamma seen it. But none of us act like we got a dime over just getting by. Kinda runs in my family. Besides I hate to buy cars or clothes of any kind, especially underwear. Who cares if you got holes in your shorts. Besides who would know? Unless you had to go to the hospital and warn't awake enough to hold on to your pants.
Not too many people have no idea how much money I got and I ain't telling now. But I got enough to last me a long time. And people around here know that Hollis ain't paying all this attention to me because I got a lot of money. His grandpa, my daddy's brother, bought up more land than my daddy. So, Hollis is doing all right.
Tomorrow: Pursued by the Churches

Hollis' funny names:
Denise Knox is nervous
Brenda Rules will compromise

A Call from Jack

Jack called today. He talked to Hollis and told him he's coming back to Harper for a visit. He plans to stay a week. All you people in Harper County, lock up your wives and daughters. You know pretty boy is the one I told you about who got two girls in trouble at the same time. You know the one who's been cursed with good looks. Well, he's been out west in Oregon or Alaska or somewhere being a engineer. The kind that works with electricity. I heard he invented some kind of laser lamp or something. He don't call home and I ain't sure I'm glad he's coming or not. I mean it'd be good to see him, but I just get bad feelings about what he's about to do or what I'm gonna find out he's already done. No telling. He's due in next week. Oh, my. Oh, my. Hollis says not to worry. Everything's gonna be alright. I hope so cause I don't want Bethel, my one true love, to be turning over in her grave.
Tomorrow: Oil

Hollis' funny names:
Bertha de Bluze is jazzy
Delon Granger works alone

Aftermath

You know I ain't thought about it much, but Miss June if she's still breathing would be more'n ninety years old. She don't know it I guess but she cause a whole bunch of trouble for Harper County. When I was a teenager and even when I was a young married man, I took notice of some of the old womens at church giving the evil eye to the young pretty womens. And you know even after they found out they was wrong they just kept right on gossiping about other peoples. I guess they figured since there warn't now special words saying directly "Thou shalt not gossip" they was home free. And worse than that Harper lost some of its innocence. A lot of it. Since then we've had dozens of murders in the county and drugs are everywhere and mens is beating up on womens. Not to mention all the babies borned who will never know
who they daddy is. Yeah, I think Miss June was the start of all that. A feller said to me they have stuff like that going on everywhere and Miss June wadn't in all them places. And I said I reckon she was but her name just wadn't June.
Tomorrow: A Call from Jack

Hollis' funny names:
Ben Dunn is sunburned
Jason Dames is a womanizer

We Find Out Who the Romancing Was With

After she was let out, Miss June went back north to cereal town. And she never told who the other party in her husband's fooling around was. It was over twenty years before we found out. During that time more'n one woman was forced into bad times by the gossip. One young woman, a WWII widow, left Harper and moved back to her parents in Arkansas. Then in the late 60's Horace Buckmaster, who owned the local dry cleaners, got real sick and was in the hospital for several weeks. He got real weak and I guess he realized his hours was numbered, so it put him into a confessing mood. He told several people it was him that the doctor was messing around with. We couldn't believe it, but it did answer the question on why Miss June wouldn't say who the other one was. That wrapped up the first murder in Harper and the first time we had two mens acting around together.
At least that we knew about.
Tomorrow: Aftermath

Hollis' funny names:
Donny Brook is rowdy
Hung Chow is constipated

June McKinley's Motive

During her jail time a lot of us young boys talked about her and how sorry we was she was behind bars.
Back then we went to a lot of picture shows and a lot of them was about prison. The men in prison did alright and some of 'em learned how to be better gangsters. But the womens had it rougher. They did laundry and worked in the kitchen and there was cat fights almost all the time. We worried about Miss June
because like I said we was all in puppy love with her.
It came out in the trial that Miss June had found out about some outside romancing the doctor was all into.
Seemed he used his examining room for more than treating disease. There was a lot of guessing about who the party of the second part was and lots of young womens in town was under the watchful eye of all the town gossips.
Tomorrow: We Find Out Who the Romancing Was With
Hollis' funny names:
Ida Claire always makes a statement
Emma Longfellow likes tall guys

Sentencing a Beauty Queen

Now, I need to explain how we just missed having that murder happen somewhere else. You see, Dr. Mckinley were a Ear, Eye, Nose and Throat doctor. Mostly ears so we heard. When he come before the hospital board in the next county down they turned him down for hospital staff. It was said there was already a ear doctor and he didn't want no competition. Well, Dr. McKinley warn't nobody's fool he found the had two proctorcologist on staff and only one EENT, so he explained that since people had two ears and only one well, you-know-what, he ought to be accepted. Well they bought it. I heard a fellow say that if that was the standard they used, then the hospital ought to have more'n a thousand proctorcologists since we had so many you-know-whats living in Harper County.
We heard the doctor's wife got convicted. Got twelve years and was let out in four for good behavior. We figured she may have been let out for good looks.
Tomorrow: June McKinley's motive

Hollis' funny names:
Howell Ling is noisy
Libby T. Bell cracks me up

Trial Moved to Jackson

Then the sheriff come out with the doctor's wife and guided her to his car. She took a seat in the back and Silent Schultz climbed in beside her. He warn't saying nothing as you might of guessed. But she was sniveling, not outright crying, just sniveling. And they drove off and that's the last we seen of our beauty queen. Somehow her lawyer got the trial moved to Jackson. Said she couldn't get a fair trial in Harper County. Probably right. We not only lost a doctor, but had a blot put on our years of harmony.
The sheriff, Frank Lee Sumlin, was like most sheriffs back then. He came in to office poor and left rich. You see the sheriff back then was also the tax collector and got a piece of the action. So the sheriff took his big car and drove June McKinley to Jackson where she was jailed and in a couple of months stood trial for the murder of her husband, the doctor.
Tomorrow: Sentencing a Beauty Queen

Hollis' funny names:
Gene Poole looks like his father
Tobey Arnautoby is an enigma

The Bloody Spot

Willie and me got up as close as we could without getting sent back to our car. That's one of the things I liked about Willie. He warn't scared of much of nothing. Dead bodies, sheriffs, silent deputies. Willie was pointing toward the stretcher and grabbing my arm to get my attention. That's when I seen the bloody spot coming the sheet right where the heart would be.  Me and Willie talked it over and wisdom told us it warn't no accident that could cause a wound right in that spot. So we figured: the doctor's house, a man's shoe (polished) and the bloody spot right over the heart. It had to be murder.

After a while we seen the sheriff coming through the door. He was holding somebody by their arm.
It was the doctor's wife.
Tomorrow: Trial Moved to Jackson

Hollis' funny names:
Fonda Guise likes boys
Claude Ball used to have a cat

The Sheet Slips Up

Like I was telling y'all the undertaker and his flunky was carrying out this stretcher with a body all covered in white sheets. I forget the undertakes's name, probably on purpose. He was kinda creepy with long, skinny arms and long, skinny fingers and you know what, his eye teeth was real long. We kids used to think he was a vampire, but we warn't too worried cause we figured he had plenty of blood to drink if that's what he after, as long as people kept dying which we figured they would. It's like I told this stranger visiting Harper last year. We was having a bunch of rain. I mean more'n usual and this fellow walked up to me as I was sitting out under the shed in front of the bus station. He asked me if I thought it was ever gonna
stop raining. Well I told him it always had. I mean somethings you can just count on. People dying, rain stopping, and strangers asking stupid questions. I asked this stranger where he was from and he said Louisiana. That's all I needed to know. Anyway we figured folks would keep on dying, of course, at that time we had no idea some of 'em was gonna get murdered.
Willie and me got as close as we could and lo and behold if that flunky didn't loose his footing and almost dropped that stretcher. What happened was the sheet slipped up enough to show a man's shoe, all polished and everything.
Tomorrow: The Bloody Spot

Nils Downe is very devout
Harry Legg is hirsute

The Doctor's Wife

The doctor's wife, like I said, was a real beauty. Her name was June and she was Miss Battle Creek and runner up for Miss Michigan, so we heard. Most of us young boys was in puppy love with her. We knew a lot about Battle Creek cause we all ate cereal and that's where we sent box tops for prizes. I once got an entire set of World War I soldiers with tanks and trucks and weapons and even one airplane. I think some of it is still in my old footlocker in the attic of the big house which is now closed up for the most part.
Well anyway we was standing there, Willie and me, and had sort edged closer to the house, when we seen the undertaker pull up. Him and his assistant took a stretcher inside and was in there a long time. About half an hour later here they come, both of 'em, and they was carrying a body, all covered in a white sheet.
Well, we was wondering whose body it was and nobody would tell us nothing. We wouldn't ask the sheriff and Silent Schultz warn't saying nothing.

Tomorrow: The Sheet Slips Up

Hollis' funny names:
Rick Shaw will take you for a ride
Hal O'Ween is spooky

Special note from Hollis

Tonight while I was editing the post "Silas Become Silent" (only about 5 minutes) fifteen people visited the site. I am very sorry, but I left out a few lines (very important because they explained the title of the post) and was in the process of correcting my error.
Please reread this post when you sign on again. I'll be more careful in the future. I was in a hurry because I was expecting an important phone call.

Silas becomes Silent

Grandpa let me drive that night. I could even though I was only fourteen cause the law was kinda laxed for us young'ns cause of the farm kids who had to drive. So I pulled grandpa's old Packard right up to where thesheriff's car was parked. He must just got there cause the aerial on his car was still swishing back and forth.Deputy Silas Schultz was standing there and signaled us to park down the street. We did and walked up and on the way my friend Willie caught up with us. He wanted to stay with us cause he was and still is an Afro-American and the law warn't gonna say nothing to him when grandpa was there. When we got up close to the action we seen it was all taking place in the house of Dr. Marvin McKinley. Now, Dr. McKinley moved to Harper from Michigan and talked like any Yankee you ever heard. Sounded real different in Harper so they got him to do the color for the local football team, the Harper Hooligans, on the radio and on the P.A. system at the football field. His wife was from Michigan too and was a real knockout. Silas came up to us. As usual he had a toothpick in his mouth and was moving it from one side to the other. Somebody asked him one day how often he changed his toothpick and he said every day. Just like he was talking about his underwear or something, don't you know. When we asked Silas what was going on he wouldn't say nothing. Not a single word. Well from then on we called him Silent. Silent Schultz. I reckon the only time after that anybody referred to him as Silas was on his tombstone.
Tomorrow: The Doctor's Wife

Hollis' funny names:
Hattie Gnown would have done it differently
Major Grades graduated (this may not be the first thing you think of)

Sheriff's Siren

I reckon tonight is good a time as any to tell y'all about the murder we had here in Harper. It was a cold night I think one night after Christmas just after the war was over. Me and grandpa and grandma and my momma was sitting around by the fire. We was busy digesting the good leftovers from Christmas. Y'all know how good Christmas leftover is. All of a sudden we heard this loud siren howling past our house. It was heading toward the east side of the lake where all the doctors and lawyers lived back then. Now they all moved out close to the state park. We said amongst ourselves that it must be some kind of medical emergency. We never dreamed it was a murder.
Tomorrow: Silas becomes Silent

Note from Hollis: I have added a page view counter in the right margin. That way you can keep up with how many of you have dropped in on Uncle Harvey Lee. I can't tell you how excited he gets when I give him the numbers.

Hollis' funny names:
Allie Katz is on the prowl
Betty Wynns is optimistic

How Harper Started to Change

I was out fishing today with Brother Harley Hardison, the new preacher at the Harper Lake Baptist Church. Now, the one me and Bethel went to was the Harper Baptist Church. Theys different. Brother Harley has been after me to come to his church. I told him to stand in line cause they trying to get me to both them churches and Father O'Doole is working real hard to get me to come back to his church and become a full fledged Catholic.
I was just thinking how peaceful it was out on the lake. Just me and the preacher and the blue sky and gentle breeze and of course the hum of the power plant singing to us. It's peaceful but not like it used to be. That murder we had back in 1946 sorta started things going down. Back then we might drink a beer now and then and even drink something out of a brown paper bag, but now I hear about some of our young people sticking needles in they arms and taking pills along with they drink. Yeah, I think that murder was the beginning of it all.

Tomorrow: Sheriff's siren

Hollis' funny names:
Frank Lee tells it like it is
Hallie Towes' sis has bad breath (sorry)

Resolution

Hollis is gonna post early today. Something about calling that girl in Jackson tonight. Thank all y'all who looked at my stuff over the last couple of months (over 1000 views.) Makes me feel good and that's important for an old man. Now Hollis want to say a couple of things and finish his little story.

Hollis: Several visitors to the blog have lost the blog address and have contacted us through Facebook or by email to get this information. Please save blog info in your favorites or bookmarks for easy retrieval. If you have friends who might be interested ask them to visit our blog.

                     How Grandfather Whitmire Came to Stay in Harper (conclusion)

       In the morning, when she realized he had not come to bed, she hurried barefoot and robeless into the kitchen. She found him seated at the table, staring ahead, unaware of her arrival. In front of him there were sheets of paper, in his hand a pen. When he saw her he gently folded the paper and slipped it in his pocket.
She came to him and put her arms around his neck. He patted her arms and turned to her face and smiled.
       Later that day while tending to some brush that need to be burned, he took the papers, failed attempts to justify his yearnings, and added them to the fire, sending their message on the journey he could not take.

Hollis' funny names:
Otto Knoe is clueless
Moe Lester lives in your neighborhood

Renewed Confidence

Hollis has promised me he will finish up tomorrow. I am glad to share with him since he does all the computer stuff for me, but I want to get on with my story about the murder we had here in Harper way back when. Went fishing with Father O'Doole today. I'm telling you he really wants me to get back in his church.

                         How Grandfather Whitmire Came to Stay in Harper (cont.)

       One night they were sitting in the front porch swing, his arm around her shoulder, talking about nothing in particular. The moon forced its way through a low, thick cloud and the darkness around them was transformed into a world of vague colors. She reached for his hand and took it to her lap. They sat motionless in the swing, neither speaking.
       After a while, she stood and turned toward him, gazing deep into his eyes. He had not spoken his feeling for her in many years, but tonight his look and touch gave her a renewed confidence. As was their habit, she went in to bed, and left him to his adoration of the night.

Tomorrow: Resolution

Hollis' funny names:
Y. O. Ming is out west
Perry A. Waters is effervescent

Holding on to a Life

Willie and me went fishing this morning. We didn't catch nothing worth talking about. But like we always do we had a lot of fun. Gladys, Willie wife, made us some hot tamales. She puts them in real corn husks and we add a spicy green sauce that she does so good. Here's Hollis.

                              How Grandfather Whitmire Came to Stay in Harper (conc.)

       They lived with her parents, a situation that prompted him to solicit the help of a fellow baggage-loader who was skilled in carpentry. Together, each evening after work, the two constructed a two-room house. Within a year he and his wife moved into their new home and over the next few years she gave birth to three children.
       At first his responsibility as a father kept his mind off the road. He worked hard, got promoted to management, saved his money, and moved his family into a larger, more luxurious house. When his youngest child finished high school, the urge to move on grew stronger. He fought it, telling himself he really did love his wife.

Tomorrow: Fighting Old Urges

Hollis' funny names:
Justin Case is a handyman
Seymour Butts is a voyeur

Settling Down

I guess y'all can tell it takes Hollis a lot longer to tell a story than it take me to. He's a good boy and as you can see he writes down what I tell him to, even this. Maybe his words are prettier than mine you'll have to judge that. Here he goes.

                      How Grandfather Whitmire Came to Stay in Harper (cont.)

       Six months later he remained in the employment of the Illinois Central Railroad, loading baggage on and off passenger trains. In a town named Harper, located almost halfway between Jackson, Mississippi and New Orleans, he took up citizenship. He met a girl. In her he felt some of the same fascination he had experienced on the road. One night, being particularly vulnerable to the effect of the stars, he told her he loved her and could not live without her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Perhaps she saw no better opportunity or maybe she too was driven by the stars. She said yes. They were married within two weeks.

Tomorrow: Holding on to a Life

Hollis' funny names:
Crystal Ball knows all about you
Mona Anasquilla has an Italian lover

Hobo Camps

                            How Grandfather Whitmire Came to Stay in Harper (cont.)

       Around campfires late into the night the men shared tales of big cities and open spaces, of strangers who had befriended them and family members left behind, of lonely nights and rip-roaring adventures. Their stories accompanied by cricket songs took on the measure of poetry and sent him to sleep having dreamed sufficiently for the night.
       During his sixth year out, for some reason, perhaps to see first hand places he had heard about, he began to plan his travels. Discipline crept into his life. At first he resisted and gave up on some plans, so he could stay longer with certain comrades, but gradually he fell into a pattern of scheduling his time and setting priorities. Somewhere in the transformation he took a real job--not working a few hours a day for a meal or a piece of clothing, but duty with set hours and responsibilities. He promised himself he would stay only until he made enough to finance his next adventure.

Tomorrow: Settling Down

Hollis' funny names:
Dan Druff is unsightly
Linda Hand is helpful

Hollis Submits a Story

That boy Hollis wants to study to be a writer in college. He has writ this little tale about how my grandfather came to Harper and what made him settle here. He says he will present it in several posts.
I'll turn it over to him now.

                            How Grandfather Whitmire Came to Stay in Harper

       The urge to break free came during summer vacation after he had completed the eighth grade. Each night, he found it harder to come in from the fields surrounding his house, often lying on his back fully awake, learning from the various skies. As September approached he sensed a destiny that lay beyond the confines of home. The night before the first day of the new school year, he labored over a farewell letter, finally giving up on explanations and settling for a two-word promise, “I’ll write.”

       From the beginning he used the rails, hopping trains with unknown destinations, always glad to

arrive where they took him. He spent countless nights in hobo camps sleeping under whatever sky nature offered, often cold and hungry, but always thankful for the freedom he had chosen. Many mornings he awoke confused and bewildered by his solitude, longing for old friends or family, only to shrug it off while gathering his things for a quick departure.

Tomorrow: Hobo Camps

Hollis' Funny Names:

Alice and Wanda Land live in a fantasy world.

Eric Tyle is disfunctional.

Wilkie and Betty Faye

I guess you can tell how much I like Wilkie and Betty Faye too. Wilkie is a good carpenter-electrician-plumber-mechanic-plower-mason. You'd have a hard time finding something that Wilkie can't do well. And he works full time at the filling station. And Betty Faye. Me and Betty Faye grew up together and she is just like a cousin or something to me. We went to school together. She finished high school I think and I went to the seven and a half grade. She was a great basketball player. Once she scored more'n a dozen points in the district playoff game. We woulda won cause Betty Faye captured the ball and headed for the enemy goal. She passed everybody on the other team, bouncing all around them and was gliding right up to the goal where she was about to make one of her famous lay ups, when she tripped over a root. She said she thought she woulda scored a lot more, but the wind was up that day and affected her long shots. She is a good canner too. Ever summer she puts up string beans, tomatoes, corn relish, and my favorite blackberry jam. Yep. Them's good people. Both of 'em.

Hollis' funny names:
Stan Byerman is a Tammy Wynette fan.
Eileen Dover is accommodating.

Wilkie Strikes Back

The story didn't end with Wilkie getting well and all that. The next winter on a particularly cold night Dr. Biltwright called Wilkie up. Now I don't know if I told y'all but Wilkie was real good at plumbing too. And Dr. Biltwright had a plumbing problem. They was out at his house on the river and it had only one bathroom and the water closet was real stopped up. They was out there because they had just had their house painted and Mrs. Dr. Biltwright couldn't abide the smell of the new paint. Well, Wilkie told him--don't y'all get ahead of me now--just to drops a couple of aspirin in it and call him in the morning if it warn't unstopped. People tell me they read that same story in Reader's Digest. Well I did too. But I read it several years after it happened to Wilkie. I'll tell a little more about Wilkie and Betty Faye Whitmire tomorrow.

Hollis: One of my little fun things is to think up funny names and how they relate to the person bearing that name. Each night I plan to send a couple your way. Some are easy to figure out. Others require a little thought.
Bill Board is a show off.
Amanda Love is still looking.

Doctor talks to Wilkie

I could tell right off things warn't any too good by the way that city doctor looked when he walked in. He looked like he had just sucked a dozen lemons. Betty Faye was sitting there knitting or something. The doctor walked over to Wilkie, who was gray as grandma's hair. The doctor took Wilkie's hand and looked into his yellow eyes. He said Mr. Whitmire do you want a preacher or a priest? Betty Faye commenced to crying. I mean bawling. Wilkie sat up in the bed. Hush up, Betty Faye, I'll handle this he said. Look here Doctor What-ever-your-name-is, I don't want no preacher and I don't want no priest. I don't want to go to heaven and I don't want to go to hell. I want to go back to Harper, Mississippi. The doctor turned to Betty Faye and said I think he's gonna be alright.
And he was. Wilkie is over at the filling station right now, healthy as ever. If you come to Harper you can see him and he'll tell you. But don't be planning to stay too long. Like I said before we got enough here as it is.
Now that ain't the end of the story. Tomorrow I'll tell about Wilkie and old Doctor Biltwright.

Wilkie Whitmire in the Hospital

Hollis is back. I am so glad that he made it home safely.
Now, I'll tell y'all about my cousin Wilkie Whitmire's stay in a big New Orleans hospital. It all began one night way back--I reckon around 1958 or 9. Wilkie got a real bad stomach ache and told his wife, Betty Faye Whitmire, that he thought he was going to die from the pain. She called old Doctor Biltwright--not the young one, the young one is a grindacologist. And as you know Wilkie didn't have none of the right parts to see him. Old Doctor Biltwright told Wilkie to take a couple of aspirins and call him in the morning. That warn't good advice, cause the next morning Wilkie was on the early train to New Orleans and got checked in to this big hospital. They said he had a busted appendix. I looked it up in the library in a book with pictures and seen it was a little biddy thing hooked on to the bottom part of the entrails. They said it warn't good for nothing but to catch watermelon seeds or fish bones--things that would just pass through anyway, don't you know. Well, I don't believe there is nothing that ain't got a purpose. Just look at this. If Wilkie wadn't in that hospital bed in New Orleans, he would have been back in Harper and could have got hit by a truck or struck by lightning if we had had a storm which we didn't, but you know what I mean. I was sitting right there when this big city doctor come in. Tomorrow I'll tell you what he said about how bad Wilkie was.

Hollis: Had a wonderful weekend on Saint Simon Island. Things with Amanda are still iffy. But at least there is hope.

Hollis' Trip

Hollis, as y'all know is visiting over in Georgia. He called me--and just happened to catch me home--to tell me about the wonderdful beach and good food he was having on St. Simons Island. I think he is more excited about being back with his girl than anything else. I love it when young peoples get along. It makes life so much easier. I got along real well with all my wives. Y'all know how crazy I was for Bethel. And Mary Kate was as true as a saw line. Even Trixie and me got alone real good. It's just that she got along real good
with a lot of men. Hollis will be back Monday and we'll start on Wilkie Whitmire and the New Orleans hospital scene.

Hollis: Uncle Harvey gave me instruction on what to write when I phoned him this afternoon. There will be more tomorrow. Things are going real well with Amanda and me. Just got to make sure I don't slip up before Monday.

Australia

I reckon some of you know Oprah is taking her whole audience to Australia. They call it the land down under. But I don't think so. From all the picture I seen they seem to be doing right well. That brings something to mind. Hollis tells me people in Germany, Brazil, and other countries have been reading my stuff. I am grateful. But what I can't figure out is why nobody from England or Australia has tuned in.
I thing they speak a kind of English there, I mean enough to understand me. If any of y'all know anybody in them places plant a bug in their ear and tell them about me and Harper. I'd be much obliged.

Hollis: Sorry this post is late. I am in Atlanta tonight. Amanda, my ex-girl,friend, and her parents took me out to dinner at this fancy restaurant. We leave tomorrow for Saint Simons Island.

Future Posts

I reckon it'd be a good time to tell y'all what I want to talk about in the next few weeks. Hollis is gonna take a trip, so I don't want to get started on anything real big right now. Maybe next I'll tell about going to New Orleans a few years back. That was when my cousin Wilkie Whitmire was in the hospital down there. And I want to tell you about my niece's big Christmas party last year. I hope y'all like all them stories.
I guess you can tell from what I told y'all so far, I ain't normal. I mean ordinary. Like, and I hate to tell this, I watch Oprah. Almost every day. Trixie got me started. Her big dream was to go to Chicago and see Oprah in person. Oprah is from Mississippi you know. And I listen to opera music. I don't understand much about it, but it was always playing in the front room in our house. My daddy. When he was a young man he worked in New Orleans and lived with an Italian family. Hollis can tell you the name of them opera writers whose music I listen to. Now I listen to that other opera too, the grand ole one. My mamma. It was always playing in the kitchen. So when I stood in the middle of the house it was quite a sound.

Hollis: I have been invited, by my ex-girlfriend, to spend the weekend with her on Saint Simons Island, Ga. Her parents have a house there. Right on the Atlantic Ocean. I am picking her up in Jackson and we are driving to Atlanta where she is from. The next morning the two of us will go to Saint Simons. This may be a big break for me. Keep your fingers crossed.
I am taking my laptop and notes from Uncle Harvey Lee, but I may not be posting as regularly as I usually do. Please check every day. I will do my best.

Wilmer the Druggist

Way back in the Depression we had an outstanding citizen in Harper. His name was Wilmer Harris and he was our town druggist. Now this was toward the end of Wilmer's drug store days and he was about as frail as anybody you'd ever want to meet. He wore a sweater even on hot summer days and was a chain smoker. People said that his ashes in the mixtures he made up made them stronger and more able to cure you. Wilmer had a son, Wilmer Jr. But everybody around Harper just called him Harris. They pronounced it "Hairs." He was one fine baseball player, but he had to go off to war and as far as I know never played no more. But we'll have to save him for later. Now, we want to look at his daddy, Wilmer Sr. One story about Wilmer that comes to mind was when Eva Lou Wardlaw come by to see him about the kind of magazines in his store. She told him the Lord had come to her in a dream and had sent her to get him to stop keeping certain magazines. He asked her which ones and she said the crime ones and the love ones, mainly, but she warn't too sure about some of the others either. Now this is what I liked about Wilmer. He told Eva Lou that she was probably right, but he hadn't been blessed with no dream and would like for her
to meet the magazine man at the store every Wednesday morning and she could pick out what books he should send back. Eva Lou left in a huff saying the Lord hadn't ask her to do that. She was only supposed to tell him to keep the right stuff on his shelves. I don't think Wilmer lived too long after that, but I'm glad he was around long enough to set Eva Lou right before she started messing around with my funny books.

From Hollis: They used to call comic books funny books.

Catfish Caught

Like I said sometimes luck just comes knocking at your door or floating on the lake, as the case may be. Well that ole catfish pulled that boat and Millwood and grandpa right over to the shallow part of the lake and Millwood took the notion to jump on it and ride it down like a rodeo bull. And he did and that fish commenced to bucking and rolling and dipping, but Millwood hung on some how, so it's been told. Grandpa was having trouble keeping the boat afloat, but he managed to give one heck of a slam with one of the oars to the head of the catfish. We never knew if the fish just give out or the blow was in some real delicate area or whatever, but the fish rolled over on it's back and Millwood and grandpa towed it to the homeside of the lake and beached it. Word is it fed more'n half the town.
I don't think we got any catfish in the lake now and nobody ever knew where that one come from, because
to the best of anybody's knowledge it was the one and only catfish ever caught in Harper Lake.

Hollis recommends: Harvey Lee has a cousin in Atlanta. He is in a creative writing class and two of his fellow writers have recently published books, as the sycamore grows by Jennie Miller Helderman and Redeeming the Wounded by B. Bruce Cook. It would be nice if you would find out more about these books.

Catfish (cont.)

Me and Father O'Doole was fishing in Harper Lake just this morning. We been friends since my second wife liked for me to take her to mass, that's what they call church, every Sunday. After she got hit by a  streetcar in New Orleans and died, I still went to mass right regular, but I never was a full-fledged Catholic.
I mean I never learned all the different names they had for things or went to confession--something you supposed to do often if you are Catholic. But I really enjoy the company of Father O'Doole.
But I gotta get back to grandpa and Millwood. They was chasing down a big ole fish when they seen it was a catfish. Every so often they would get close enought for Millwood to hit it on the head with an oar.
But nothing seemed to slow it down any. You know how luck somehow gets in the middle of things. Well it did this day, because grandpa had run short on fishing line and had some his daddy had left that was for deep sea fishing. Him and Millwood had been laughing at it because it looked so big and funny on the pole. But anything smaller and that catfish would have broken it, don't you know.
Can you smell that? Dorothy is cooking country fried steak over at the cafe. I think I'll have to finish up tomorrow. Ain't nobody makes country fried steak like Dorothy.

More About the Catfish

Everything was peaceful on the lake when grandpa felt a pull on his line. Well, it was more than a pull it was an outright yank. Grandpa grabbed hold of his pole with both hands and yelled out so loud he woke Millwood up. Millwood and his wife had moved to town about ten years before all this happened and that was alright back then. They needed the people. But now we got more'n 600 citizens and that's enough. The other day I was sitting whittling, minding my own business when this stranger come up and started asking questions about the town. And then he asked if I had lived here all my life. You know what I told him? I said not yet. He thought that was kinda funny, but I warn't trying to be funny. I just don't like it when people ask stupid questions. Then he asked me what people were like around her. I threw it right back to him. I asked what people were like where he lived. He told me they was awful and he was trying to get away from there. And I told him they were exactly the same here. He kinda huffed off, but I didn't care. Yeah, back when Millwood come over here that was alright. Oh, Millwood and grandpa. They both knew there was a big, I mean real big, fish on the line. Grandpa yelled out, his pole was gonna break and that's when Millwood took things into his own hands.

Hollis: I'll try to finish tomorrow. It's not as easy as you might think.