Learning About England

Like I told y'all I went through the 7 and 1/2 grade in school. And I also told y'all to recognize the difference in being ignorant and being stupid. I ain't learned all I need to learn, but I think I got a lot of common sense. I have a lot to learn about England. One thing I figured out right off the bat. I got what this joke I heard meant from reading them leaflets. The joke was why did the Siamese twins go to England. The answer: So the other one could drive. You see I was ignorant of the idea that those people over there drive on the wrong side of the road. It sure warn't stupid not to know this. Who in his right mind would have guessed such a thing? So I am ahead of the game by reading them leaflets and books what Hollis brung to me. I figure I can learn enough so I won't need to go all the way over there. Hollis says it ain't the same. Going is so much better. Well, I just as soon to have read about how cold it was in Korea and stayed at home by the fire. Something else I learned: Big Ben ain't no clock. It's a bell. You see what I mean. It warn't stupid not to know that. Just a little ignorant.
Tomorrow: Where the Queen Lives (hint, a bunch of places)

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Summer Breez has a warm disposition

Hollis Makes an Offer

Hollis sprung one on me. He wants to go to London to visit his girlfriend next month. And he wants me to go with him. I told him I ain't never been out of Harper that much and I didn't think so. He said I had been all the way to Korea and London warn't that far. I told him I hope it warn't nothing like the time I spent in Korea. Man. I don't reckon there's anyway he can talk me in to getting on a airplane and flying across the ocean just to listen to people talk like they done in that movie Tom Jones. He brung a bunch of books and leaflets for me to look over. And besides I told him it was winter and warn't no time to go gallivanting around the world. I promised him I would look things over. But I ain't going.
Tomorrow: Learning About England

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Denise and Denephew are my brother's kids

Settling Down in the Big House

I reckon y'all gonna think I'm getting soft and y'all probably right. Living in my fishing cabin was good for me, but it sure is more comfortable here in the big house. This is where I was born and lived while I was married to Bethel, Mary Ann, and Trixie. It warn't till after Trixie run off with that tent preacher that I moved down to the end of the lake. I was happy there, but Dorothy, my friend that's a girl, said she thought I ought to stay here for the time being. Her cafe ain't more'n a couple of blocks away and she can look after me better. She has one of her part-time women come by every day and clean and stuff and of course Dorothy brings all my food by. The woman who comes by is Florene Getz. She has a sick husband at home and the money I pay her comes in right handy to her situation. She always lights a fire in any room where I might go and I just snuff 'em out when I go to bed. Yeah, living in the big house ain't too bad. Beside Hollis' family lives next door, about half a mile away, so he can drop by when ever he want's to. His girl friend is going to London for study and he ain't too happy about it. I think it might be good for them two to have a few mile between them.
Tomorrow: Hollis Makes an Offer

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Wanda Howe is curious

What Dorothy Give Me for Christmas

I reckon y'all remember about Dorothy and me. We is very good friends. We don't do no cuddling or nothing like that but we do like to sit in the front porch swing and talk. Well, I got Dorothy this real nice bracelet for Christmas. It had all kinds of precious stones in it. They was every color of the rainbow. The man at DealMart down in the next county said it was a great buy. And Dorothy sure did like it. But what she give me beat the band. I didn't never expect to get one of them things, but she got it for me. It's called an iPad and it's like a little screen that you can carry around with you and watch the news or weather or even a movie. Hollis is setting it all up for me. He even loaded on all my CD's so I can listen where ever I am. It's hard to believe all that stuff can be shoved into a little plate like that. I reckon I'll get used to it. If anybody but Dorothy had give it too me I would have took it back, but Dorothy.... Hollis fixed it up so I can watch my favorite movie of all time "Shane" with Alan Ladd. I love Alan Ladd even if he did have to stand on a box for the love scenes. Warn't no love scenes in this movie anyway.
Tomorrow: Settling Down in the Big House

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Wood Knott can't be persuaded

Who Showed Up for Christmas

Y'all knew Doreen was coming. Well, she brung some of her grandkids with her. She must have a dozen or so, but she only brung four. Two, was her son, Randolph's boys--eight and six years old. They was pretty good. But her daughter Mildred's little girl cried the whole time she was here. She kept wanting something more than she got and the way I looked at she got more than she deserved. Now, her son, Lyndolph's boy warn't nothing but trouble. His name was Buster. That ought to tell you something. He tore up more stuff than you would believe. He even brung in the house a painted board he pulled off the barn. I was just about to give him what-for when Doreen taken him in to the front bedroom and whooped him good. He straightened out a little bit after that, but he ain't coming back if I can help it. Hollis and Dorothy had got gifts for all of 'em and the oldest two boys appreciated theirs. Even told me thank you. That little girl was whining even as they left. And Buster tore his clean up before he could even play with it. I'm telling you that boy could tear up a iron ball.
Tomorrow: What Dorothy Give Me

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Dwayne D. Poole is a spoilsport

Day After Christmas

You know I heard a fellow say one time that the fires don't burn as bright on the day after Christmas as they do the day before. I reckon I know what he was talking about. But there is one bright spot. Hollis and them got me a big ole television with HD. That's what makes the picture real clear. The big house already had a satellite dish and we got Conroy Dillard to come over and hook it up right. He works down at the hardware store and knows how to do stuff with electricity. So now we watching the Giants play Green Bay. You know we big Eli Manning fans. I met Archie one time when he stopped in to eat at Dorothy's Cafe on his way back to New Orleans. A lot of people stop by Dorothy's on their way up and down I-55. You know I never wanted a giant TV, but I'm glad I got it now. They say wanting stuff is a big part of the fun and I reckon I miss out on that. I don't seem to want nothing till I get it. Hollis got in today from Atlanta. That girl. He said they had a white Christmas (the first one since 1882.) But peoples was able to drive around pretty good. Here we just had a cold rain. Last year it snowed here a bunch. Once even before Christmas. The weather is acting funny these days, but it don't come close to how funny the peoples is acting.
Tomorrow: Who Showed Up for Christmas

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Imus Gough is always in a hurry

Getting Ready for Christmas

I ain't never had to do much for Christmas. When my wives was alive they done it. And when my kids growed up and didn't come around much it warn't necessary for me to have no tree or nothing. But this year with Doreen back in the fold and some of her kids and grandkids coming I gotta do something. I went out and chopped me down a tree. The ceiling is high in the big house, so I chopped down a big tree. None of my lights worked so I had to buy new ones. Hollis and a couple of Willie's kids helped to decorate. They drug out a lot of the balls and stars and things we had when my kids was young and bought a few new things too. Turned out real pretty. I got my presents wrapped by the store, so they sitting there waiting for all those coming. We send by Fed-Ex the ones to California. I even sent some to Bill's bunch. For Dorothy I got a real pretty bracelet down at Farmer's Jewelry Shoppe. Used to be just plain Shop, but they added the "pe" on the end so now they can charge more.

Harvey Lee will not post again until Sunday night. This might be a good time to go back to the beginning and read all of the posts to date.

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Moore Arliss in indefinite

Staying at the Big House

I reckon I got a little too comfortable at the big house so I decided to stay here while the weather is cold. It's been a lot colder this year than we usually see here. Next week is gonna be real cold. The big house has good heat and air conditioning and there is six fireplaces that I like a bunch. Dorothy comes over after work every day and brings food for me. I good a real good woman who comes twice a week to clean and take care of clothes washing. I reckon I got all I need. Doreen and some of her kids is coming for Christmas Day. Hollis helped me get some gifts for them. Some of them kids I ain't see in years. If they walked up to my door right now I would probably ask them what they wanted till I figured out who they was. We got a real a nice card from Jack and Lou Ann. It showed all their family standing in front of the Pacific Ocean. Real Nice. Ain't heard nothing from Bill.
Tomorrow: Getting Ready for Christmas

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Asa Diamond is a card

Harvey Lee Sums Up Last Years' Christmas

Well, all that happened--the stuff at May Margaret's house--last year. During the last twelve months Clara Susan got married. She had two services, one Methodist in Harper and one Catholic in Baton Rouge. Florabelle went to the one here. May Margaret went to the Catholic one and ain't stopped talking about it. Clara Susan decided she wanted to be called just Susan. Of course, her mamma warn't too happy about that and still calls her with two names. I think it's great and if I was younger I would be just called Harvey or maybe Lee. But I ain't gonna worry about that. Susan's husband is named Tony Maroni. Florabelle calls him Tony Macaroni (and not affectionately neither.) She says she ain't never gonna get used to her baby living with a New York Italian Catholic. Cleveron thinks his name really is Macaroni. I told him the other day that his family owned the Macaroni factory where all that stuff is made. Maybe I shouldn't have done it but sometimes you just can't help it. Tony and Susan is coming to Harper for Christmas. I can't wait to hear how that turns out. I went out to May Margaret's the other day and her house looked like a church or something with crosses and little statues with candles in front of them. She's still trying to find a New York recipe for catfish.
Tomorrow: Staying at the Big House

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Jimmy Stolatt is light-fingered. (Thanks Josie)

May Margaret Finds a Silver Lining

After they was all gone May Margaret said to Cleveron, well, all in all I'd have to say we had another successful Christmas. But tomorrow we got to start getting ready for next year. I'm on it, said Cleveron, the lights is all up. May Margaret said to that, but we has got so much more to do next year. We gonna have a real special new member of the family and he's from New York and he's a Catholic. I gotta find some new recipes. I hear them Catholics gotta eat fish or something. I need me a New York cookbook with some catfish recipes in it. Cleveron said, well, I sure as hell know how to catch a fish. And May Margaret said we need to go to the Baptist Book Store in Jackson and get one of them crosses. I wonder if they have such a thing as a Catholic Book Store. Oh, Cleveron, ain't it gonna be wonderful.
Tomorrow: Harvey Lee Sums Up Last Years' Christmas

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Ima Allred is embarrassed

A Speedy Departure

From what I was told it didn't take more'n five minutes for Harvey Lynn and his gang to load up and head out. That includes the little girl who tripped over the same root she hit coming in. Edna Agnes had to pick up the left over rice and gravy and the lime Jello-O with the chopped up celery and bananas. I can remember this cause I been hearing it for many years. Clara Susan and Mamma was first out the door and last to leave cause of all the loading up they had to do. Everyone else wanted out before their mamma so she wouldn't be onto them for partying around after she warn't there no more. Clara Susan reported to us that Florabelle didn't say nothing all the way home. She just sang church songs and even added her own words telling about how strong she was going to be in the face of all her troubles. Clara Susan said it warn't
no big deal to her since she been listening to this kind of stuff all her life and had decided not to let it creep up her no more.
Tomorrow: May Margaret Finds a Silver Lining

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Tiny Gaines isn't making much progress

Clara Susan's Big Surprise

Clara Susan told Hollis that when things settled down a little bit, after the T-shirts was handed out, she started fiddling around in her coat pocket. She found the ring she was hiding there and put it on the right finger. I've got one more present to show you she said and she held up her hand for all to see. May Margaret said well, who in the world is he. A guy I met at LSU said Clara Susan. He's from New York. Florabelle reached for her oxygen mask, put it on, and breathed real deep. A yankee? Oh, my Lord, a damn yankee. Esther Agnes said that was alright as long as he warn't Catholic. They ain't yet got over me going to that church all those years ago. Clara Susan looked them all directly in their eyes. He is. He is a very devout Catholic. The four other women in the room began to sniffle. Florabelle stood, unhooked her air supply and held her walker real firm like. She said I want to go home right now. I need to go to bed and I may never get out of it. That's what you done to me. You selfish, selfish girl. Cleveron chimed in, well at least he come down here to school.
Shut up, Cleveron said May Margaret.
Tomorrow: A Speedy Departure

Hollis' funny word of the day:
Nick O'Teen smokes like an Irish chimney

T-shirts

Esther Agnes was first. She was always talking about how proud she was of her high school education.
Her shirt said: I WENT ALL THE WAY IN HIGH SCHOOL  She said all I can say is I love it.
Clara Susan's shirt said on the front: I'M AVAILABLE. And on the back: 601-555-9876 (her phone no.)
Florabelle's front: IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY AIN'T NOBODY HAPPY on the back: AND WE AIN'T
NEVER HAPPY.
Harvey Lynn: I'M REAL GOOD AT DOING NOTHING
Betty Faye: ANOTHER ONE IN THE OVEN
Then May Margaret gave Cleveron his. She said he just wanted another BUDWEISER a red one to change up from always wearing his blue one. But I'm afraid the red will show up more through his white Sunday shirt than the blue she said.
And for me she said. Y'all know I can stand a little teasing: I MAY BE FAT BUT I'M SLOW
Tomorrow: Clara Susan's Big Surprise

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Cash N. Kerry is a speedy shopper

Gifts Are Handed Out

After the smoke-fest the group went into the living room and sat in front of the giant tree. The kids were first so they could go out in the yard or in the back rooms to play with their toys. Then everyone waited for their mamma to open her presents. She got Lady Fragrant perfume, and egg beater, a blue and green shawl, and a year's subscription to The Upper Room. The rest opened their gifts all at the same time while Florabelle sat and pouted like she didn't get what she wanted.
Then May Margaret told them she had a surprise for all of them. Something extra she said. Cleveron and me went to Biloxi this summer and got all y'all T-shirts. We picked each one special. Hope y'all like them.
Tomorrow: T-shirts

Heollis' funny name of the day:
X Humes is a grave robber

They All Eat

May Margaret asked Cleveron to slice some turkey. That was one of the things he does best. He could have been a great surgeon if cooked turkeys was all he had to operate on. Y'all pass your plates down to Cleveron and tell him what you want, white or dark meat. We got both. Pass to the left please. Esther Agnes reminded everyone to try her rice and gravy and her lime Jell-O. I spent a lot of time cutting up celery and bananas. They passed green bean casserole, beets, turnips, turnip greens, two kinds of dressing--one with oysters, one without. There was ambrosia, sweet potatoes, and macaroni and cheese. For dessert they had potato pie, coconut cake, three kinds of fruit cake, pecan pie, and three kinds of ice cream. After they was sufficiently stuffed everybody got out their cigarettes. Clara Susan swore everybody smokes a different brand. Betty Faye lit up and May Margaret asked her if she warn't afraid to smoke with her being in a family way. She said she smoked while all the other ones was in the over and they turned our just fine. Esther Agnes said that warn't so. All them kids was marked for smoking. Right down at the end of their spine they all had this little butt. Clara Susan, don't smoke, so she left the room and carried her book into the living room. May Margaret remarked that she had never heard of The English Patient and she didn't know of the English being all that patient. They sure warn't patient with George Washington and all them columnists.
Tomorrow: Handing Out the Gifts

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Frances Snooty (need I say more)

The Blessing

As told to Hollis by Clara Susan:
May Margaret said y'all bow your heads and close your eyes. Dear, Lord, bless this food to the nourishment of our bodies. And help us as we go through this life to make the right decisions. Bless Esther Agnes as she tries to get over her husband running off with that woman that played trumpet in the Harper Quartet all those years ago. And if it be thy will, render unto that no-good man all the punishment that you see fit. And fix that trumpet playing woman too. And please help Clara Susan to get interested in a man. We all worry about her and her situation so much. They's so many good menfolk around here. If I sat and made a list I'm sure I could name 5 or 6 that would be good for her. And bless Mamma. Help her as she goes through her search for teeth that fit. It must be awful to go around with a mouth full of teeth that don't go with your gums. Bless Harvey Lynn and Betty Faye as they expand their family. Give them the wisdom to know when to quit. And bless them kids of theirs. Teach them to be quiet and respectful and to help their mamma and daddy with the new baby coming out soon and all. And help them oldest boys with their boils. Teach them not to pick at 'em so they can get well. And, Dear Lord, bless Cleveron. Help him to get back on at the panty factory. And help the others who got let go. It don't seem right. Ladies got to have panties even if times is bad. Thank God I still got my job driving the school bus. We pray a special blessing for our boy in San Francisco. Keep him safe from all them things going on out there. Things we see on Fox News and all. And help our boy in New Orleans working in that night club. I know he can sing good, but he could be singing church songs. And bless his roommate. It still don't seem right living in the same apartment with a member of the opposite sex, but so many things don't seem right these days. And bless our new president. It must be real hard on him trying to run a country. It would be hard even for a white man, so please be with him and guide him since he was elected and all. We ask all these blessings in Christ's name. Amen"
"Amen," said the group.
"And God bless us everyone," sighed Clara Susan.
Tomorrow: They All Eat

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Nova Cain is numbing

Sitting Down to Eat

Cleveron come home from that new church out in the county. May Margaret asked about Sparky being a wise man and Cleveron said he was just funning her. Actually, he played the part of the third wise man. Clara Susan told Hollis that was what she called ironic. I guess because Cleveron ain't what you might call real smart. He said he played the part of Gold and the other two men was Murray and Frankenstein. May Margaret told everyone to sit where they wanted and then commenced to telling everyone where they should sit. Florabelle left all her breathing stuff in the living room. She can get along real good without it when it comes to eating and such. The kids was put over to the side where a couple of card tables had been lined up together. Harvey Lynn kept his belt in his hand just in case. May Margaret said she would give thanks because she had a lot of things on her mind she needed to pray about.
Tomorrow: The Blessing

Hollis' funny word of the day:
Della Ware Sprada is vain

Mamma and Clara Susan Arrive

Harvey Lynn made his kids go out in the yard to work off some of their energy before his mamma got there. He warned them not to upset her because of her condition. Esther Agnes wanted to know what about her with her high blood and all. Harvey Lynn told the kids to be good around their aunt too. It warn't long until my sister, Florabelle's 1992 Cadillac come pulling up to the front door. You've seen the model, the one you could play a game of ping-pong on the hood. Clara Susan was driving. Clara Susan always dresses real modern like. She finished LSU this year and is in graduate school there now. She's writing a book on Mississippi women during the depression. Smart girl. Everybody come rushing out and offering to help their mamma get out of the car in into the house. She always has so much to bring in with all them tanks and tubes she needs. Florabelle complained all the way into the house about aching bones and people pulling and yanking on her. Clara Susan brung in her mamma's walker and was carrying a book to keep her occupied. It was called The English Patient. May Margaret wanted to know if her mamma had a new wig, but Florabelle said she had just pulled that one out of mothballs because she wanted a red one for Christmas.
Tomorrow: Sitting Down to Eat

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Tootie Horne is annoying

Harvey Lynn, Betty Faye, and All Them Kids

Esther Agnes asked May Margaret how many kids Harvey Lynn and them had.  She guessed it was 7 or 8, but May Margaret said it was just 5, but seemed like more. The two oldest boys come running up the steps. They was wearing Peyton Manning jerseys and New Orleans Saints caps. Next come two girls one nine and the other ten. They was just wearing jeans and sweaters and flip-flops. A barefoot three year old wearing a heavy sweater over a diaper broke free from her mamma and headed for the door. She tripped over a root and lay spread eagle on the dirt yard. She jumped up and ran behind the others. Harvey Lynn held the door open for Betty Faye who was great with child. It was obvious that it was time for her weekly shampoo. Y'all get yourself in this house said May Margaret. The oldest boy stopped short at the sight of the tree bent against the ceiling. That's a damn big tree he said. Harvey Lynn--in one motion--pulled his belt from its loops and delivered a pop to the left buttock of the boy. Then he immediately applied the same punishment to his brother. What'd I do he said? That was just in case you was thinking about it said Harvey
Lynn.
Tomorrow: Mamma and Clara Susan Arrive

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Billy Ruben is jaundiced

Nativity Dogs

Esther Agnes couldn't believe it. Dogs going to church. But May Margaret said they warn't going in the church only they was gonna be made up like cattle and sheep for the outside nativity scene. May Margaret said that Sparky a tall, composite dog who could walk several feet on his hind legs was gonna be one of the wise men since the church was new and the was a wise man short. At least that's what Cleveron told her. Well I ain't never said Esther Agnes. Then she noticed the Christmas tree. It was 10 foot tall in a room with a 8 foot ceiling. I know, I know said May Margaret, but Cleveron said to cut off the top or the bottom would mess up the shape of the tree. She said she was worried what her mamma was gonna say since she couldn't put that big star on top. Mamma had give 'em that star a few years ago and that was the first thing she noticed. May Margaret remarked that she heard Harvey Lynn and Betty Faye making the turn off Rumble Road. I sure wish he'd get that muffler fixed she said.
Tomorrow: Harvey Lynn, Betty Fay, and All Them Kids

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Stu D. Baker is hard to find

Esther Agnes Arrives

This is what Esther Agnes told Clara Susan:
I got there first. I was always first. Somebody has to look out for those noodle-heads. When I got there I knew right off something was missing. It warn't the yellow school bus what May Margaret drove and the four dead cars with all color Christmas lights all over them was there. Cleveron hung them four years ago and they has been there ever since. I figured it out; it was the dogs. They was usually jumping on me and tearing my stockings. I come in the house and May Margaret was in the kitchen. I asked her where she wanted me to put the rice and gravy and the lime Jell-O with celery and bananas that I do. She said anywhere I could find a place. We'd been having Christmas dinner with May Margaret since mamma's house had that fire. I tried to tell her to take that tree down, but she left it up till that April night when it exploded and greatly damaged her house. It still has that blue stuff covering up the roof on the far side. May Margaret put my Jell-O in the icebox and told me to hang my coat in the hall. We ain't gonna have Christmas at my house because all my stuff is too good to be tore up. I don't even have the missionary group there since somebody spilled Kool-Ade all over my couch. I asked May Margaret where her dogs was and she said Cleveron had took them to church.
Tomorrow: Nativity Dogs

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Weldon Burger is dry and has no taste

Note from Hollis re Australia

Uncle Harvey Lee has decided to abandon his reporting on Oprah's trip. He told me that if anyone wanted to know about it all they had to do was watch it on TV. Instead he wants to begin telling about his cousin
Florabelle Swinston and her family's Christmas dinner last year.

Y'all ought to meet my cousin Florabelle and her family. They are CHARACTERS. Her daughters are: May Margaret, Esther Agnes, and Clara Susan. Her boy is Harvey Lynn, named after me, darn it. May Margaret's husband is Cleveron. They all smokes like a tar-paper fire except the youngest daughter, Clara Susan. She's a good friend of Hollis. She seems to have more in common with him than the rest of the family. She's the one what told Hollis about the goings-on last year and called it May Margaret's Christmas Extravaganza.
Florabelle ain't as old as me, but she is run down. She has to breathe oxygen--well, I reckon we all do--but hers comes in a tank. And she is about as ornery as they come. Clara Susan puts up with her and the rest of her family real good. She's a college graduate--LSU--but don't hold that against her. She's about the only one over there with any sense.
Tomorrow: Esther Agnes Arrives

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Todd Ball doesn't fit in

More Going-ons in Harper

Today, we had our Christmas Parade. It starts down in the Harper Baptist Church parking lot and runs down Main Street past Harper Lake Baptist Church past all the businesses and ends up in the little park on the lake. Same route every year. Same Sandy Claws every year. Same costume. Same manger scene on the back of a flat bed truck. Same beads and whistles and candy canes thrown to the kids. But this year Sandy rode on a brand new truck. Red as his outfit. They been trying to get me to play Sandy Claws for years, but it's too late now that I'm 78. Of course, Dewitt Haysmith, who plays Sandy now, is more'n 80. It shows cause he has a hard time holding his balance on the back of that truck. He made it though. Not so sure about next year. The Harper Lake Baptist choir sang "O Holy Night' with Minnie McDonnell singing the loud part. She thinks she's an opera star. I think they call them divers or something, but she ain't. All in all everything went real good. I think next year I may take 'em up on their offer and be Sandy. I got some ideas that may shake things up a little. Hope I'm still getting Hollis to write this next year so y'all can hear all about it. Just for a hint, we will have real sheep, cattle, and such. I guess ain't much chance of camels, but you never know.
Tomorrow: Oprah Arrives in Australia

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Wilmer Durr is an assassin

A Funny Thing That Happened in Harper

I ain't forgot about Oprah and her trip to Australia, but things is still going on in Harper. That trip ain't gonna affect us one bit. I wanted to tell y'all about something that happened down at the Social Needs Office which is 3 doors down from the hardware store. Mildred Swarms is the lady down there that says who gets help and who don't. Her and Frances McGruder, a good Baptist, was discussing the Christmas gift collection. Mildred in a Methodist. About that time this woman from out in the country come in. She had a stomach that stuck out like a big knot on a little log. I don't know the woman's name, the one that was with child, but Frances told me all about it. Well this mother-to-be was looking for money to help to get her through her expecting time. Mildred, trying to find out if she could get help from other sources, asked her who the father was. And she said it ain't got no father. Well, Frances said Mildred jumped up, knocked her chair over, and pushed pass them on her way to the front window. The young woman asked what was wrong and Mildred said she was just looking for the star, and the shepherd, and the wise men. She said she was particularly excited because this was the second time this had happened. You can't push too much past Mildred.
Tomorrow: More Goings-on Around Harper

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Al K. Hall is a drunk

An Australian La Boheme

I know a lot of people don't like opera and I am one of the few in Harper that listens to it. If any of y'all want to try it then La Boheme is the one you want to go to. I told y'all my daddy lived with an Italian family in New Orleans while he was working out in the Gulf of Mexico and they got him into opera. Everybody around here thought he was crazy but my daddy didn't care. That's just the way he was. Well one of the movies Hollis brought me was La Boheme filmed in that big opera house in Sydney. I ain't never seen a opera in person and this was the first movie I seen. It was real good. There warn't no fat ladies in it and the singing was real good. Like I told y'all I listened so much over the years till I know what note is coming next and these people didn't miss a note. They did move it up from 1850 to 1950. I usually don't like it when they mess with things like that, but this time it worked real good. If I ever had the chance to go to Australia, which I won't, the Sydney Opera is the thing I would plan my trip around. I wish y'all all would try this opera to see if you can stand it, but don't do it if you can't abide things with a sad ending.
Tomorrow: A Funny Thing That Happened in Harper

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Millie Pied is all feet

Another Movie from Down Under

I reckon y'all would like this movie called The Man from Snowy River. I did. It's about a boy who has to leave his home in the Australian mountains and go to the lower lands to live. He gets a job on this ranch that owned by the twin brother of a good friend of his daddy. Both parts is played by Kirk Douglas. I reckon he went over there to make it. The names of the twins in the movie was Harrison and Spur. I ain't never heard of twins whose names warn't similar. Like we got to old men twins here in Harper name of Ricky Ronald and Dicky Donald. That make more sense to me. Anyway Jim falls in love with Harrison's daughter, Jessica, and they have a big problem cause her daddy don't want none of that romance. Besides him and Spur has been feuding for many years. The boy becomes a man when he proves he can do real good at herding wild horses (brumbies.) There is one funny shot when, if you look real close, you can see a rider in and amongst the wild horses. But that's okay. The boy becoming a man was the important thing. Like my Jack become a man on his trip home. Of course Jack was a boy for a lot longer than this Jim in the movie.But that's alright.
Tomorrow: An Australian La Boheme

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Falinda Lake is a klutz (thanks Rick)

Some Australian Movies Hollis Brought Me

Before I get into the movies, I need to straighten out something I said yesterday. I said the Australian peoples was spread out. This can't be true since most of 'em live close to the coast. Sorry.
Now the movies. Hollis had a whole bunch of movies sent through the mail in little red envelopes. We get four at a time. They was all made in Australia. Hollis liked all of 'em, but just like with American movies I only liked about 20%. One I really liked was Danny Deckchair. It was about this bloke (man) in Sydney who worked with cement. He lived with his sheila (girl) and they was having a fight. He was happy living like they did, but she wanted to move up in the world. They had a party and Danny had got some big balloons--through a mix up in the printing on the balloons--and some helium. He hooked these up to a deckchair and him and his friends was fooling around when they looked away at a ball game on TV and Danny went sailing up over the city. He got in a thunderstorm and landed much later in a small town to the north. You'll have to look at it yourself for more, but it tells a lot about how good the people are down there.
I think Danny would fit in real good in Harper.
Tomorrow: Another Movie From Down Under

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Lila Kadogg can't be trusted

More About Australia

I got real interested in Australia after watching Oprah. In case y'all forgot I started watching Oprah with my
third wife Trixie, the one what run off with the tent preacher. And I kinda got in the habit. It's sorta like Trixie is sitting there in the room with me. Even thought the room is now in my cabin instead of the big house where we use to sit every afternoon. I learned a few things on Oprah and got to watching other shows like Discovery and them other teaching channels. Here is some of the stuff I found out.
In Australia the peoples is spread out a lot, only 2 peoples for every what they call sq. kilometer.
Most people, about 85 per cent, live within 50 kilometers of the sea coast. A kilometer is less than a mile.
Down there they call sunglasses sunnies, lipstick lippies, and their wild dogs is dingoes.
They have a big city, Sydney, where the opera house is shaped like a big sea shell or ship's sails or something like that.
The peoples are really friendly and used to say g'day when they'd meet you, but now they just say hi.
And what I really like they is carefree. You can tell because they always saying "No worries." Ain't that good. I think so.
Tomorrow: Some Australian Movies Hollis Brought Me

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Jill Yout is laid back (not one of my best)

Oprah Gets Ready for Australia

Note from Hollis: I must post early today, have to go to Jackson. Please be aware that I do not watch the Oprah Show and have to rely on what Uncle Harvey Lee tells me to write. So if I get anything wrong I apologize.

Doreen left today. She had taken some of her vacation to be with us. I can't tell you how happy I am at the way she has cleaned herself up, getting rid of that tattoo and all that black nail polish and stuff. She is a different person all of a sudden and I am happy. And Jack and his family have made me proud.
Looks like the next big thing for me is Oprah going to Australia. I watch her show most every day and this is a big thing to happen. She has been having people from Australia on lately, like that tall girl that used to be married to Tom Whats-His-Name. I figured the Australian people would be happy to have all these folks visit, but Hollis tells me a lot of people down there don't like it that their hard-earned tax money is going to pay for some of the trip. I reckon Oprah ought to have enough to cover all that. I hope she does.
Tomorrow: More About Australia

Hollis' funny name of the day:
Dan D. Lyon just won't go away