Big Fish Story

Kelvin Halferson just got back from a fishing trip up at Kentucky Lake. He was down at the barbershop this morning telling fish stories. He claimed he caught a forty pound fish. When Billy Dumfound asked him what kind of fish, Kelvin said, "It warn't like no fish I ever seen." To prove his tale he produced a picture showing a man standing by a lake with a huge fish hanging beside him. Several questions came forth from the crowd.

"How did you grow that beard so fast?"

"When did the Rocky Mountains move to Kentucky"

"When did you become a Seattle Seahawks fan?"

"Did you lose fifty pounds overnight?"

"Do you expect us to believe this?"

There was a pause but we all knew what was coming. "That's my story and I'm sticking to it."

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Kudzu Farm

Artburt Farb, a local farmer, is always trying to find a way to get out of work. He tried to invent a lawnmower that you don't have to attend by tying one end of a rope to the mower and wrapping the other end around a tree so the mower would wind its way up to the tree and mow all the ground in that circle. It didn't work. The latest idea he had was to turn his farm into a kudzu producer. He did his research and found that in China kudzu is used as a drug. According to the article kudzu is good for a whole bunch of things, everything from alcoholism to high blood pressure. He hoped to cash in on that and have minimal effort involved in the process. And since kudzu runs wild when it is planted he hoped it would cover an old barn, an eyesore his wife had been on his case to tear down. If you go down to his place you can see the result of his yearlong work. There is kudzu everywhere. I came across Artburt having coffee at the cafe this morning and asked him is he had sold any of his kudzu. "Not yet," he said. "But I defy you to come out to my place and find that barn."

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Lassie Was a Lad

While we were talking about bucket list things down at the barbershop, Wilkie Witt told us about his list of goals as a boy and how he marked one off real early. It was to kiss a movie actress. And he did. It seems as a young boy he had gone to California to visit a cousin out there. His uncle worked in the movies as a gofer of some description and got them a visit to the Weatherwax dog training facility. There he got to meet the first Lassie and received a dog kiss from the movie star. Millard Millstone, the one we call the walking encyclopedia, popped Wilkie's bubble when he informed us all that the first Lassie was a boy dog named of Pal. Wilkie didn't believe it. "Why would they name a boy dog Lassie?" he asked. "I find that question a little ironical," said Millard. "Since your wife is named Bill."
I, of course, headed to the library and it seems Millard was right, the first movie Lassie was a lad.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Bucket List

Today down at the barbershop the topic of conversation was bucket lists. People started telling about all the things they wanted to do and some were talking about the things they had accomplished on their lists. Wendell Wilkeshaw said he was through with his list because a lot of the things he wanted to do "real bad" turned out to be a lot less than he had hoped for. One thing in particular that had stuck in his craw was a trip to Nepal. He had wanted to go to that part of the world ever since he saw that movie Shangri-La and he and Edna, his wife, saved up for years to make the trip. When they got there the temperature was almost 100 degrees. The next four days it rained. They could only make out the mountains on the first day they were there and the airplane ride for a closer view was canceled due to weather. The food was a lot different from they were used to and they spent a lot of time in the "throne room" according to Wendell. Hardly anyone there could understand them, even the one who spoke English. Wendell said he got to the point where the thing "me and Edna was looking forward to most was sixteen hour in a cramped up seat on an air-conditioned airplane. Wendell said, "Y'all can keep on with your bucket lists if you want to but I would recommend you go down to the library and do a little research on everything you put on it. And don't depend on no movie whatever you do."

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Half Smart

Burley Winsome is a real smart fellow, sorta. He's what some of us call half-smart. He can add a column of four digit numbers in his head and can build a house and not miss a single measurement and he can get it built in the shortest period of time you can imagine. But in other things he is lacking. One of the things he does is look at this internet site every morning for the quote of the day. A lot of times he will come in to the barbershop and get one of us to interpret the saying for him. Like today he brought this one in all printed in this little notebook he carries around with him:

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato

Some of us chimed in and gave him our thoughts on the subject. I asked him if he understood. He said he kinda did, but he had no idea that Mickey Mouse's dog was so smart.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Funny Relative

I reckon everybody has a funny relative. Sometimes they are as funny to others as they are to themselves and sometimes not. One old uncle of Dorothy's spent a lot of times telling little stories and making jokes. Some people fell out laughing, other moved away as fast as they could. I watched as he had a young couple stuck in a corner telling his tales.

He said, "I come from a real big family. I have nine brothers and each one of them brothers has nine brothers."

The young woman asked, "Does that make eighty-one of y'all?"

"You'll have to do the math," said uncle. "I have long since quit trying to figure it out."

The young man grabbed his wife's arm and pulled her away from the jokester. "I'll explain later, but we promised Aunt Julia to take a picture with her."

"Is Julia still taking pictures? She came over for a visit last year and when she left our walls were bare."

At that the young man practically shoved his wife into the hall and out into the courtyard.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Dwarf Star

The woman I met at the reunion that I promised to tell you about is a TV star. Dorothy knew her as a young girl (a second cousin) and said she always was the dramatic type. She once made her way down to the front during a high school assembly and called out several of her fellow students who may or may not have been spreading rumors about her. Dorothy thinks she made the whole thing up just for the attention.

Anyway she appears on that cable TV soap opera Tomorrow Will Be Better, Maybe. She plays the mother of a young woman who has moved to New York to make it big on the stage. Her mother lives back home in South Carolina but still has a big impact on the ways of her daughter. The scene flashes back and forth between the big city and the small southern town. I know all this because Dorothy was curious and watched for a while. She claims she gave it up because things moved too slowly, even when the action was in New York.

I told Dorothy I didn't know she had a relative who was a star. Dorothy said if she was a star it was a dwarf star. Of course, I had to run to the library to look that one up and there is such a thing. They call it a white star, it's there all right but it don't shine too bright. I reckon that's what she is.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Questions

I met a couple of memorable people at the reunion; one was a woman, the other a man. Today I want to talk about the man. One of the ways you can tell how smart a person is is by the questions they ask. This fellow had traveled all over the world, worked in several disciplines, and had been a great success in life. He never said that but it was obvious by the questions he asked. One fellow was telling about his extensive travels and this fellow knew about every place that man was bragging about going to. He asked questions like: Is that old City Hall building still standing on the corner of Hall and Main? and does the ferry still run across to Neverland? Another man was talking about how he had invented a device to save on gasoline for cars and trucks. The question man asked about the ratio of fuel savings to the cost of the purchase price and wondered if there was difficulty in obtaining a little part that was required to have zinc as a major component.

I found myself next to this fellow in the dessert line.

"Have you visited all fifty states?" I asked.

"Yes," was his reply. "Where are you from?"  I told him Harper, Mississippi.

"Does that old fellow who writes a daily blog still live there?" he asked.

"Not today," I told him.

I could tell by his smile he knew who I was.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Reclining My Way to Recovery

We are home. I got up at 3:30 and Dorothy got up at 3 o'clock. That's AM, folks. We arrived in Harper around 8:30 and Dorothy got to work making sandwiches; chicken salad, cucumber, and pimento cheese. I showered, redressed, and headed for my recliner. Dorothy calls it that ugly old chair and would move it out if she had her way. That ugly old chair is where I get over ordeals and hard work. It's here to stay. There will be ball games all afternoon and I hope to stay awake through most of them.

Dorothy said she might need me to move out of the den to accommodate her tea party guests. And you know what? I will. I've got a recliner and a TV down at the fishing cabin too.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Busy, Busy, Busy

We are off to Alabama for the reunion. We plan to get up early tomorrow morning to head back to Harper so Dorothy can participate in this little thing, I thing they call it a tea, for one of her sister's late husband's cousin's daughter who is getting married next spring. Dorothy is a busy person. And she knows it. She even put a little sign up in the kitchen: JUST BECAUSE I'M BUSY DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T LOVE YOU. Me busy?. Not so much. I only get busy when a fish takes the bait or when I get a little behind putting books up at the library. Even then I don't worry about it. I just move faster.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Family Reunion

Tomorrow we are headed off for a family reunion, Dorothy's bunch, over in Alabama. I have been to only one, a couple of years ago. So I know the ropes. I am prepared to smile at everyone and listen to the description of who they are. Things like: this is Amanda Sue, my mother's oldest sister's youngest girl. And Harvey Lynn here is daddy's second cousin's husband. I have never understood what a second cousin twice removed means but I'll probably hear a lot of that. This is one time when being eight-one helps out. I can always fein senility and enjoy the food instead of trying real hard to figure everything out.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Hero

I always liked to see pictures of homes in Ireland back during the Kennedy administration where they had on display a picture of the American president. I see nothing wrong with admiration of leaders even when they are from another place.

What got me thinking about this was yesterday when Dorothy and I were grocery shopping and we saw this man with a checked hat like the one Bear Bryant use to wear when he was the Alabama coach. Dorothy told the story of how back then she went to a Christmas party in a Birmingham home. It was a lovely house, she said, and was filled with Christmas decorations. One unusual thing was the tree which had little number ones, white with a crimson edge. Alabama was ranked number one football team in the nation at that time. Dorothy needed to use the rest room and the powder room was occupied. The hostess spotted her waiting and directed her to the master bath. When she was leaving the room Dorothy noticed a picture of Bear Bryant in an expensive looking frame sitting on the dresser.
She thanked the hostess for guiding her to the rest room and inquired about the photo.

"I noticed a picture of Bear Bryant on your dresser. Is he a relative?" she asked.

The hostess replied, "Why no, honey. He's our coach,"

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Kaleidoscope Vision

This morning while we were all enjoying our coffee down at the cafe, Harrison Hendership mentioned that Mable Smoother had added a new kaleidoscope to her collection. Mable has a room, a pretty good size room, devoted to storing and displaying her kaleidoscopes. All you got to do to take a peek is knock on her front door and if she is at home you can come in and look all you want. Horace Hawkster spoke out that he was diagnosed by a doctor as having what they call kaleidoscope vision. I don't ever take things as true without looking it up so I headed to the library and found out there is such a thing. They call it an ophthalmic migraine and it usually goes away in twenty or thirty minutes. They say you need to get checked out by a doctor to see if there are any other problems, but most times it will not hurt you. Anyway Horace knew what he was talking about. He said since the doctor told him he would be okay now he just sits back and enjoys it. I don't think I could do that.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Shotgun, Mississippi

I reckon there has always been stories going around that were not true, but that a lot of people took stock in. One that was real big when I was a boy was about this town between Harper and the Mississippi River called Shotgun. It wasn't true. But for a young boy it was just the thing to give that little element of fear that young boys enjoy so much.

Story was that this family, the Perdoodles, lived in an area known as Perdoodle Hollow. They were truly non-prejudiced folks in that they hated everybody that wasn't a Perdoodle equally. A traveling salesman made the mistake of trying to enter their little settlement with the idea of getting everyone there to sign up for burial insurance. He walked into Perdoodle Merchantile and found a whole bunch of the family sitting around a potbellied stove sipping some liquid from jugs and chewing and spitting up a storm. Old man Perdoodle gave his boys a wink that was his signal for giving the fellow enough rope to hang himself. The little salesman gave them his best spiel and figured from their enthusiasm he had a bunch of new business. He had everything settled, he thought, except the written contract.

"What name to do you want on this policy?" he asked.

"What's your name, boy?" said old man Perdoodle. "Put your name on it."

"But it ain't for me, sir."

"Well, I figure you the only one in this room what's gonna need buryin'"

The salesman hurried to his car and made it out of Perdoodle Hollow safe in body, but a little shook up in spirit. He described to others the big salute to his departure in the form of shotgun blasts and cussing. And after that Perdoodle Hollow was know as Shotgun. But don't get out your maps, you won't find it.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Banning Books

One of my jobs as a volunteer down at the library is to put books where they go, not just on the proper shelf but also isolating books that the head librarian deems unworthy for our little operation. I have nothing to do with the decision making and I would probably not be a good one for the job since I feel most anything should be available for those who want to partake of its contents.

Yesterday I found this book in the "return to publisher" section. The title was Hitched and Horney. Being a curious old fool I peeked inside and found it to be a guide to maintaining adherence to wedding vows in the face of a less than warm marriage partner. It seemed to me most of the burden for keeping things stable in the relationship were put on the one who was being pushed aside. The author, a woman from Seattle, is a psychologist and must know a lot about relationships, but I don't think she knows a lot about men. One chapter, The Rewards of Abstinence, pointed to me the direction of her thinking. I wrapped the book and got it ready for return, but with regret that it was not left to our readers to decide whether they want to read it.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

The Influence of a Woman

All I can do is speak for myself. I know I have been led in the right direction by women more than by men. I followed men into drinking, smoking, gambling, and womanizing. Some may say these are not necessarily bad, but they were bad for me. The women in my life, beginning with my mother, have led me to better grooming, cleaner habits, and healthier eating. They have kept me from unattractive displays personal hygiene in public and outlandish behavior. The influence of women has directed my church going. I was raised in the Baptist Church, my first wife was also a Baptist and kept me going to that church. My second wife was a Catholic and I joined up with that group and still go fishing with Father John. Trixie, my third wife, didn't go to any particular church but liked revivals. She's the one that ran off with that tent preacher. Bad influence, that one, but I did learn a lot from her. Dorothy, my present wife is a Methodist so I now go to the Methodist Church, not as often as Dorothy, but I do go there. She ain't real pushy about it. I like the preacher okay but the music kinda gets to me, all the songs sound alike, doncha know? So today I am sitting down by the lake while Dorothy is at church. I look across the still water, feel the cooler weather, and give thanks for all the sweet women who have walked through my life.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Silence MacGruder

One of the people around here I admire a lot is Cyrus "Silence" MacGruder. Silence, as we have called him since he was real little, came by his nickname honestly. He truly only talks when it is absolutely necessary and then what he says is usually important. There is a story that has been going around here about Silence. It tells that he didn't say one word until he was four years old. Not Dada, Mama, Baba, or nothing. Then after all those years of quietude he comes out at the dinner table one night with, "These beans ain't cooked enough." His folks were astounded. His mamma said, "Cyrus, you can talk."
His daddy said, "Boy, if you can talk that good why did you wait so long to say something?" And Cyrus said, "Because the beans has always been cooked okay, until tonight."
Now I know a lot of you are saying you have heard that story before in some manner. Well, I read it in Reader's Digest myself, but that don't mean it didn't start with our man Silence MacGruder.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Too Much Information

This morning down at the barbershop Ludlowe Turnip was telling jokes and had us all laughing up a storm. Billy Brownshoe, the guy who builds things out of toothpicks and always has one in his mouth, in a fit of laughter accidentally swallow the toothpick. He coughed a little bit but it went straight down and he seemed fine.

"You better get that checked out. That's what killed Sherwood Anderson, swallowing a toothpick," said Ludlowe

"Whose Sherwood Anderson," asked Wilmore Leanard.

"He was that guy on that old Gary Moore show," chimed in Millard Fullerstill.

"That was Durwood Kirby," said Ludlowe.

"It killed him?" asked Billy.

"Graveyard dead," said Ludlowe.

"I think you ought to eat a lot of bread, that's what you do when you swallow a fishbone," said Millard.

"Bread can make you fat," said Ludlowe. "Just stand on you head and cough ten times. That got the marble out of my youngest kids throat."

Billy went to the corner and managed to get his feet up against the wall with the help of Ludlowe. He coughed real hard about twenty times. Nothing.

When he came right-side-up Billy had a fearful look in his eye and headed for the door.

"I got to get x-rayed. My dentist has a machine. Y'all pray."

I reckon he's all right 'cause I saw him later this morning coming out of Barney's Quick Stoppe with three loafs of bread and two six packs of beer.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

A Harper Divorce

Last year they had this big wedding down at the Harper Lake Baptist Church. Leslie Sue Marshpad married Hubert Fallin. There were twenty bridesmaids and twenty groomsmen. A real big deal. The bride was in her forties and the groom was thirty-nine and they were before the big event, thought of as confirmed single folks. It was only the taunting of their friends and parents that threw them together. I will say it looked like true love because of the way they looked at each other and the way they walked around holding hands and stuff like that. Happiness looked to be their future. But it was not to be. It wasn't nine months until Leslie Sue filed for divorce. She claimed when Hubert had insisted they keep that obey part in the wedding vows she had no idea just how much stock he put into it.  Hubert, for his part, had no objection to the split. He claimed Leslie Sue had set out to change him into just another of her girl friends. He said she wanted a shopping buddy and someone to talk to, not a husband. Leslie Sue said she could deal with a lot of Hubert's bad habits but when it came to the bedroom she had no idea Hubert had all that stuff in mind when he was wooing her. The divorce will be final in a month or two.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

A Losing Battle

Clive Cuddleburt came into the barbershop this morning with his right forearm the size of Popeye's after eating a can of spinach. His left arm was in a cast and was slung from his shoulder with a white bandage. Both eyes were black and there was a cut on his forehead. Somebody asked him what happened and he said he got stung by a bee. Everyone said they were sorry and Clive said it was a learning experience.

"Yeah, I learned a bunch of stuff from that little bee. First thing is you can't outrun a bee when you're on a tractor. And my back field is a lot more hilly when you run over it a higher speed. From now on I'll pull my tractor to a stop before I get off. A tree is not the best way to stop a tractor. My lake ain't near as deep just off my dock as I thought it was. Tobacco on a bee sting ain't much good. My wife likes to see me suffer. And things are a lot funnier if you ain't the victim."

Milo Fieldstead asked Clive if his tractor was okay.

"It can't be fixed," he said. "That tree was over two hundred years old and I reckon it was too old to move fast enough to get out of the way."

Clive never was funny, but I reckon when you're stove up like he is you are even more not funny.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Sushi

When I was growing up the only fish we ate was what we could catch in the lake or rivers around here. And we put it in a frying pan and cooked the living daylights out of it. Today we got the new restaurant that serves raw fish. They call it sushi.

They were talking about it down at the barbershop this morning and I was surprised at how many of the old timers liked it. Most turned up their nose to the thought of such a thing but those who favored it were pretty strong in their approval.

Marcus Findlayson, a man who says what ever he thinks of and tends to be somewhat silly, claimed he heard about sushi years ago. He said old man Redmond's cat, Tomboy, told him about it. One day he went past the Redmond house and saw Tomboy sitting beside the Redmond's goldfish pond lunching down on a gold-red beauty. Marcus claims the cat was singing to the tune of an old Eddie Cantor tune, "If you knew Sushi, like I know Sushi, Oh, Oh...."

This has me disgusted, not because it's so inane, but because I can't get it out of my head. All day long I keep hearing those words and that tune.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

My Mole Hole

The way I see it men and women need one another. Real bad. But they also need to get away from each other now and then. Dorothy does this by going off with her friends to civic meeting, cooking schools, book clubs, and a bunch of other things. While I go fishing or down to the barbershop to be with my friends, I spend most of my getting away time in my little study up on the second floor of the big house. Dorothy calls it my mole hole.

I am very protective and territorial when it come to my little space and get agitated and real nervous when Dorothy insists on dusting and cleaning. Seems like things I use every day always ends up in a place where I can't find them, doncha know? All this forces me in to being a little neater than  I would ordinarily be. I even dust a little and vacuum every day. I bought a small vacuum cleaner and keep it in the study closet. Dorothy still has to come in and "fix" things.

Don't get me wrong I love Dorothy and appreciate almost all she does for me. I don't care how she runs the rest of the house. She can paint any of the other rooms any color she wants and buy and move furniture as she sees fit. The way I look at it the whole house is more hers than mine. But my little hole needs no changing. It was fine the first day I walked into it and it's fine today.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle

Credit Card Story

Some people come up with their own jokes and tricks to play on people. Most people copy things they see on television or hear from other folks. Mazie Swanswim is in that last group. She is always trying out things she hears other people doing.

Yesterday, Whitmore Philly came in the hardware store where Mazie works as a cashier, bought some nails, and was standing at the register to pay for it. He took his credit card out and was holding it waiting for Mazie to tell him to swipe it. She looked the old fellow right in the eye and said, "Strip down, facing me."

Problem was Whitmore being the obedient kind started in removing his overall snaps. The bib was hanging down when Mazie let out a scream.

Lindsey Wag, the store manager came up to determine what all the ruckus was about. Mazie said she was just trying to tell the old man how to use the machine. She said she had just chosen the wrong words and was real sorry.

Whitmore said he accepted her apology, but it wasn't just her words it was the look in her eye and the singing way she spoke them. Later he told me he had no intention of removing his garments. "I'm wearing old underwear," he said.

Tales of Harper, short stories and poems about the fictional town of Harper, Mississippi is available on Amazon Kindle