What Being Funny's All About

Some peoples think I am funny, some don't. Some peoples laugh at me and some laugh with me. One good thing about being old is I don't care why they is laughing. Just the laughing are enough for me. We got this old fellow here in town what thinks he are the funniest man alive. And he does get a lot of peoples laughing at him. He will hear something on the TV and make up a funny story about it. Sometimes, but not a lot, he will come up with a good joke. He were joking last week about how he sent off for a parachute just in case he got sent off the physical clift. Now to me that ain't funny but I laughed anyway. Poor old fellow. One of his favorite things is when he hears somebody are off on a trip somewheres he will come up with something for them to try out while they is there. Like when me and Hollis and that girl went to England he recommended we try out English peas and London broil. He told his niece what were going to Highwaya to be sure and try out the Highwayan punch. The only funny one I liked where when he recommended to a friend what were off for San Francisco to try Rice-a-roni 'cause he said, "After all it are the San Francisco treat. The point are: ever body ain't gonna like mashed potatoes, but hardly nobody likes Brussels sprouts, but when somebody serves either one most peoples is gonna eat it.

Jack's Wife

Jack and Lou Ann has left and gone to Atlanta. I reckon Jack done about as good as a man could do in picking a wife. Lou Ann were real nice to me while they was here and was always checking to see if I needed anything. She come from the Mississippi Delta and Jack met her while they was in college together. Her family had come from China years ago and set up a grocery store. I read in the library about how they come to what they called the "golden mountain," meaning a great opportunity. There were a real need to provide groceries for the delta peoples and these Chinese folks seen the chance to make good there and was willing to work from 5:30 AM to 11 PM to fill the grocery sacks of the Delta folks both black and white. Lou Ann's folks was hard workers and taught their daughter well. Not only were she a pretty girl (still is) but she were real smart and become a druggist and had her own store out in California what she sold last year. Her and Jack seems to be real happy. Their kids is staying in California. Jack says he hopes they will come to visit us here on the lake so we can all go fishing together. I hope so to.

White Noise (Hollis)

White Noise by Don DeLillo - Fear of Death - Hitler - College professors - four wives - Dylar - Elvis - toxic spill - sexual favors - assassination attempt - three bullets - sunsets. Excellent dialog.

Jack's New Company

Jack helped design a bunch of things. Mostly things what reads with a thing they calls scanning. He worked on that machine what tell how much stuff costs in the grocery store and adds it to your bill. That's the kind of thing his new company in Atlanta are going to make. While we was having our Christmas dinner I remembered and retold the story about when we first got a scanner down at Piggly Wiggly. A lady come in and while she were sliding her stuff past the machine to check out she accidently moved her brand new diamond ring past the light. It added $25,000 to the price of her groceries. Of course, this's just a joke but it are real funny how many peoples believe it, even for a minute or so.

Doreen's New Husband

Like I told y'all my daughter Doreen are a new person. She got rid of all that black nail polish and dark lipstick and she landed a new husband, number three. The first one were bad to gamble and the second were bad to drink, or it may be the other way 'round. Any who they was both bad to something what were bad. This new guy, name of Herbert Hooper, seems like a real good person. He ain't a big fellow but he looks like he eats right and exercises a right smart. Herbert, Doreen calls him Herbie, are what they calls a motor-vational speaker. He goes 'round to schools and civic clubs and revs the peoples up. I think that's where the "motor" in motor-vational come from. He were talking to me and he said the troubles is that where we all has got iphones, ipods, and ipads, all we really needs is a I can. At first I though he were talking about a can like Campbell's Tomato Soup come in, but I figured it out. What he means is "I can do it" or "You can do it if you tries hard enough. The trouble are you can't get a "I can" for Christmas. I reckon you could give one to yourself for New Years if you was a mind to.

Leftovers

One thing I ain't got to worry 'bout is bad tasting leftovers 'cause of all that food we had for Christmas. For one thing we had so many peoples coming in and out we ain't got much left over. Jack and his wife, Lou Ann, was there of course. She's the one what were born a Chinese girl; the one I like so much. And Willie and his wife and several of their kids and grandkids come over. Old lady Bertie Nestler, the woman what is going blind due to mackerel regeneration, was brought over by her keeper. I reckon we had at least fifty peoples coming in and out. And Dorothy made sure they all ate up. But we did have some stuff left. Now that's where Dorothy comes in. She have learned over the years how to doctor foods up and freeze them in little meals what is always good to eat. We all had so much fun what I'll tell about later.

Best Christmas Present

Today I got the best Christmas present in a long time. It were Jack and his family coming to visit. They pulled in last night in a station wagon what were loaded down with their stuff. I think I told y'all Jack are setting up a new business in Atlanta. So they stopped on the way over. I reckon all their other stuff will come by moving van. Anyway I warn't real sure they was gonna stop by, but Jack said he couldn't pass through Harper without getting some of Dorothy's cooking. He remembers her from when she run her cafe before me and her was wed. Gotta run 'cause of my good company.

Three Kinds of Dressing

Down here we calls it dressing. I think up north they calls it stuffing. Anyway it's the stuff Dorothy serves anytime we has turkey. This year she's planning on making three different kinds 'cause some peoples like one and some peoples like another. The one I like are the oyster stuffing, but some of
Willie's kids don't like that one. So she's making a cranberry, apple, sausage dressing for them especially. Then Dorothy's Aunt Maydene what are coming over Christmas likes one only made with cornbread and celery. She has a weak stomach I hear. In fact I hear that a lot. One thing for sure I'm gonna try all three.

Is Space Peoples Smarter Than Us

Me and Dorothy seen this special on the TV about how spacemens come down in rocket ships and landed in New Mexico and I got to thinking about how smart they must be to be able to travel as far as they came. Then I was thinking maybe they is just smart in certain things kinda like them peoples what can play the piano but can't even write their name. They may can design rocket ships but couldn't build a road or write a book or a song or a love letter. Then I started thinking about how they all look alike in the pictures peoples made of them like they is all mens or all womens. I mean like their ain't no difference. I reckon if that's right I can see why they had all that time to discover ways to ride around in space. I don't know but I can't help but wonder.

Sourpuss Nuttles

We got this man what are named Billy Ray Nuttles, but he are known by Sourpuss Nuttles 'cause he never does smile. Over the years I has tried and tried to get him happy with a joke or with just a friendly smile. Nothing never worked except one time when I got this idea about how to get him to brighten up. I were driving some nails into a fence post and Sourpuss were just standing there complaining about something what warn't right in his life. All a sudden I slammed the hammer up against the post and made out like I hit my thumb. I yelled and screamed up a storm and Sourpuss commenced to laughing and he almost passed out he were so excited about my great misery. I run up to the house and come out with this extra large bandage on my fake thumb injury and Sourpuss started up his laughing again. And I made it a point to run into old Sourpuss as much as I could over the next few days and ever time I did he fell out with laughing. After about a week I come up to him and pulled the bandage off to show him I were just fooling. Boy did he get mad. I told him it were just a joke and he said I warn't least bit funny and I were a liar to boot. I reckon he were right, but I still got him to laugh.

Gathering Up Pine Cones

Lord knows we got plenty of pine cones round here, so somebody down at the Harper Lake Baptist Church got the idea of making little Christmas decorations out of 'em. They done all kinda designs: Santas, reindeers, snowmens. Some was made into wreaths, but the best was when Winnie Mae Fogerty and May Jean Sampson made up a whole Christmas tree. It were more than six feet tall and had lights and a star on top. All make out of pine cones except the lights and the star. Winnie Mae are the creative one, May Jean just stacks and glues. One thing for sure we ain't never gonna run out of material for them to work with.

Patience, Now!

I were always known as a patient guy. Been complimented many times on it. But lately I notice, and other peoples has been telling me I ain't near as patient as I use to be. I been thinking on it and I come to the conclusion I ain't got as much time to be waiting around for stuff as I used to. I'm eighty year old for the sake of goodness. Also I used to be able to ride fifty mile while needing all the time to use the bathroom. Well, that don't happen no more. I got to get off at the next exit and one time I had to pull over and stand in front of the car door where I hope nobody seen me. But looking back I reckon the most patient person I ever knowed were my first wife, Bethel. She put up with so much from me while I were getting over Korea and my froze feets. We was both too patient with our children. Bill didn't cause problems but now ain't got nothing to do with me or Harper. Jack were pretty bad but turned out good. Doreen were not patient with none of her husbands and kept moving on to the next one. I seen where somebody got this bright idea and is selling hour glasses on the interweb. You is supposed to just sit there and watch it drain to teach yourself patience. I were gonna order it but got aggravated at how complicated the ordering were and gave up on it.

Firewood

They is predicting a cool, rainy day for Christmas. The high temperature are scheduled for 67 degree fair and height. We was hoping for a cooler, clearer day for the twenty-fifth so we could build a fire in the fireplace. That'd make the Christmas Spirit a little brighter, doncha know? I been accumulating wood for the last month. I takes a lot of wood 'cause we has mostly pine trees and pine burns up real fast. Reminds me of a story what has been going around here about the Whipsnout brothers, Amos Glen and Arthur Dean. They was living over in Jumpsville and was needing work. So when they went in to the unemployment place they was asked what kind of work they could handle. Amos Glen said he were real good at woodchopping and Arthur Dean claimed to be a pilot. "What kind of plane do you fly asked  the woman." "Oh, I ain't never been up in the air atall. What I mean is Amos Glen chops the wood and I'm the one what pile it.

My Grandpa and Mr. Stein

We ain't got no Jews living in Harper now. We used to. In fact there are a Jewish cemetery out on Woodlake Road and it is kept up by the women's group at one of the churches. Years ago before I were even borned there were several peoples what lived here what were of the Jewish faith and for some reason they all moved away over the years. The only one left what I remember were this little man named B. Stein. I never knew what the B. were for. Anyway there were no temple in Harper for him to go to. The only one were about thirty mile away. Well, him and my grandpa was friends and ever Saturday grandpa would pick up Mr. Stein what didn't have no car and probably couldn't drive and take him to worship in this other town. I remember this well. I also remember some old lady from grandpa's church jumping all over him for not trying to save Mr. Stein and for what she called abetting his misdirection. I don't remember grandpa saying a word. He just looked at her like he didn't know what the heck she were talking about. Grandpa were like that. He never needed no words to let you know what he were thinking. A stare was enough to set you off right.

Sad Day (Hollis)

When I talked to Uncle Harvey Lee last night he said, "I can't think of nothing to say. Call me tomorrow."

Mutt and Jeff

We got this couple what lives here, where the woman are 'bout twice as big as the man. Peoples call them Mutt and Jeff after them funny paper characters where Jeff were the big one and Mutt were littler. Of course Mutt and Jeff are both mens and this couple are man and wife. Well, the woman what are named Delilah and the man who are Murray is always fighting and the woman since she are the large one gets the best of her man ever time. She has had to brung him into the emergency room at Harper General on a regular basis. And last week the law had to be called to come out to the trailer what they lives in 'cause of all the ruckus. When Delilah was stood up before the judge he asked her if she loved her husband and she said, "Your honor, I love him more'n life itself." And the judge told her she sure had a funny way of showing it. And Delilah said, "Why judge, ain't you never heard of tough love. Dr. Phil talks about it all the time."

The Last Outhouse

We had a big happening here in Harper yesterday. The last outhouse were tore down. It were one what was used by Mr. Happy Mortonside up till he had to go to the nursing home. That were about five year ago, but his daughter Waverlene were afraid to tear it down for fear he would come home one day and raise all heck if it warn't there for him. Happy died last year but Waverlene were scared he would be hurt by its destruction even if he were in heaven. As luck would have it she had her mind made up for her by nature. It were struck by lightning and burned near up, so Waverlene saw it as a sign that the outhouse were supposed to go. So her and her son Bump went out and finished things up. They wanted to put up some kind of reminder where it were sitting, kinda in memory of her daddy, so they built a brick barbecue grill right on the spot. Now her back yard looks a lot better. Smells better too.

Agnes Birdhop, Finder

We got this woman right outside the Harper town limits what are real good at finding things. She's got this sign in her front yard what says: AGNES BIRDHOP, FINDER OF THINGS. When peoples loses their keys or insurance policies or other important things, she will come over to their house and more often than not she'll find what they lost. Even when she don't find what she come to find she will usually find something. Like one time when this Mrs. Cuddlebrand were missing the papers saying her cow were registered and she needed it before she could sell it. Agnes didn't find the cow papers but she did find twenty dollars in a jacket what were hanging in a back closet unused since last winter. She charged ten dollars for that visit. In fact, she will tell you whats it gonna cost before she comes over. Agnes are a right nice looking woman, but she ain't never married. Dorothy overheard her talking at the beauty parlor one day. Somebody asked Agnes if she were so good at finding things why she ain't never found a man. And Agnes said she had found plenty of men she just ain't never found the one she were looking for.

Old Bridges

They replacing a old bridge what runs over Harper Creek. A lot of folks is glad they doing this 'cause the old bridge shakes, rattles, and quakes when you drives over it. It's almost like playing Russian roulette except I reckon with more bullets. Some peoples wants them just to patch up the old bridge. They're the ones what likes to cling to the past. The ones what designs roads and bridges and things has learned how to make them better and cheaper to build. I reckon they teaches this kind of thing in college. I figure there are a middle ground in all this. I mean they can give us a safe new bridge and give us one what looks something like the old one; as long as it don't cost a arm and a leg to do it. I say when a fellow throws something out he better be real sure that what's replacing it are accommodatingly good. They formed a committee to figure all this out, but they been working on it for such a long time that sooner or later they just gonna have to build something before the old one falls apart. I ain't never been asked to be on one of these committees. Dorothy tells me, with a little giggle, if I thinks real hard I can figure out why.

Cup of Cocoa

We lost our last WWII veteran about a month ago. He were named Cleavon Dalrimple and he were over ninety year old when he died. I used to like to listen to him tell stories about being in Europe during the war. One of the stories he told were about being sent up to Scotland with a bunch of yanks and going into this cafe and ordering a cup of cocoa. He said he didn't like coffee and were looking all over the menu for a alternate, but he thought it were spelt koko and didn't see nothing like that. When he asked the waitress, a pretty large lady in a black and white uniform, if he might be able to get a cup of cocoa she looked down on him like he were crazy. "Cocoa, cocoa! The blooming queen can't have cocoa. You yanks come over here and think you own the bloody island." He said he were so embarrassed he just took his hat and left. Yeah, old Cleavon were a right nice fellow.

Naked Animals

Back around 1950, one of our Harper citizens ended up in the state insane asylum. It all come about 'cause of good intentions gone bad. Mildred Sterrups were a goodly person what were always trying to follow all the stuff she learned in church and in the teaching of her mamma, what were also a goodly person. She done good giving to the poor, showing up for all the church activities, and, as far as we all know, living a pure and humble life. Where she went wrong were when she got it in her head that all the animals was standing around naked. She mentioned it one day in Sunday School about how there were no shame among all the farmers and also all the peoples with dogs and cats what they let run around in the nude. She stated that she had made little dresses for her three cats and thought all others should do the same. She claimed that she would be happy to sew up clothes, made to fit, for only a minimal fee. Peoples thought this were a little strange, but no stranger than a lot of other things peoples come up with during the emotions of a Sunday School class. Where Mildred went wrong were when she were passing Cletus Fincherhouse's farm and seen this little goat of his standing by the fence naked as a jay bird. So she dressed it. I mean really dressed it, underwear and all. That warn't too bad, but it were her own clothes she used. She were picked up by a sheriff's deputy while she were walking home. She promised she were on her way home to redress, but the deputy provided her with one of them little jail dresses and gave her a cell where she stayed until the judge sent her off. Peoples as a sign of goodwill sent her little pictures of animals all dressed up. They did this until she passed on in 1955.

A Little Trip to the Past

You know how you always hear peoples talking about the good old days? They is always wishing they could go back to the way things was. I reckon if by some magic that come about they would be real sorry. I reckon what they wants is just the good parts and the good parts is what they mostly remember. Last week me and Dorothy taken a little trip and got to see some peoples travel back a few year to the past. They has this place about fifty mile from here where once a year they bring out this old steam locomotive and let you take a ride down these track what ain't used no more. It's only a fifteen mile trip and the scenery ain't too much to look at, but if you put your mind just right you can actually feel like you have skipped about fifty year and are back where you was when you was a youngster. About half way on the trip the train stops, right in the middle of nowhere, and ever body gets off. Peoples bring out their cameras and sound equipment and the train backs up almost out of sight and then comes roaring past the crowd. I reckon for a couple of minutes we is all back yonder when this kind of train were all we had. I know I felt that way, particularly when I got a cinder or two in my eyes. I reckon them what taken pictures and made sound records will be able to do this when they wants, sorta.

Train located at railroad museum in McComb, Mississippi.

My Daddy Didn't Have This Problem

One of the things you can quote me on are when I said, "The more things you gets the more things you has to take care of." I think I come up with that on my own but I may have heard somebody say it or something kinda like it. Well, I was cleaning up behind that computer what Hollis talked me in to getting and one of the wires come loose. I were as lost as if I had been dropped right in the middle of the Atlanta Ocean without no paddle. Hollis are not coming home from school this weekend so I called one of Willie's boys to come over and he fixed it right off. I got to thinking about all the things I got and that I use but ain't got no idea what's what when it comes to understanding how they works. One thing I'm real sure of are my daddy, what died in 1956, didn't never have this problem.

Remembering Pearl Harbor

Ain't it funny how you can remember where you was and what you was doing when something real big in history come off? That's where I am with Pearl Harbor. I were about nine year old and was walking around in my grandpa's yard out under his big magnolia tree. Grandma had the radio, a gigantic Philco what were in the living room, turned up to the highest so she could finish her kitchen work after a big Sunday dinner. I even remembers we had fried chicken that day, what ain't no big thing to remember 'cause we always had fried chicken on Sundays. They had a radio show coming from New York or somewhere up there and they was playing what I called Waa-Waa music, like Sammy Kaye and Guy Lombardo, doncha know? And that's when they broke into the music and told the story of Pearl Harbor being bombed by Japanese planes. I went running into the house 'cause my uncle were stationed in Hawaii and were in a Army Air Force base right close to Pearl Harbor. Grandma were crying and Grandpa were sitting there gritting his false teeth. Turned out my uncle were okay and when he come home he brought with him a Hawaiian bride and a Hawaiian baby. This ain't got nothing to do with my story, but we got a woman here in Harper what are named Pearl Harper. Just thought you might want to know.

Noses and Drumsticks

Down at the Harper Lake Baptist Church they has this little stunt they does at the annual church party. What happens is they has bed sheets what has holes cut in them hanging across a room. The mens of the church gets behind the sheets and sticks their noses out through the holes and the womens try to see if they can pick out their husband. They has stools and benches set up so ever man are the same amount of tall. And you know what; a lot of womens can't tell what man are their husband. Now that ain't true when it come to fried chicken. When they has pot luck suppers, at least five or six womens brings fried chicken and it ain't hardly nobody what can't walk down the line and tell what chicken come with what woman, doncha know? Seems like ever body has their own special way of frying up a chicken. I reckon they needs to pay as much attention to their husbands faces as to their neighbors chicken.

Look Out, Old Folks

Yesterday I heard a report on the TV what said old folks is not as good at spotting crooks as they was when they were young. This ain't nothing new. Years ago old man Moody Manninghead wanted to find a shortcut way to make up him not reading books when he were young. A fellow come through town selling a Read While You Sleep program and sold Moody a kit what contained earphones and eight track tapes which are what we had back then. Now Moody were told by this man that a real good book to start with were called War and Peace what were long and complicated. This is what Moody picked out and he started sleeping with his earphones on and the eight track just a playing, doncha know? I run into him down at the Pic-and-Pack store and asked him how it were going. I were just a young man at the time. He said he thought it were going pretty good, so I asked him to tell me a little about War and Peace and he said, "It's a real good book, I think it's about Russia."

A Little Kitchen Time

Dorothy and two of her friends is on their ever year trip to Christmas shop in New Orleans. This gives me a little time in the kitchen. I'll have to say Dorothy are such a good cook I don't usually miss fooling around with my made-up recipes, but sometime I get a little nostalgical and wants to mix up things what Dorothy would think kinda crude. Last night a friend brought me some oysters back from Louisiana and I grilled some up on this flat piece of iron what I put over a fire hole in my back yard. This morning I made my scramble eggs and oysters what I eats with hot sause and sliced tomatoes. For noontime I plans to fry up the rest and mix up my special sauce with lots of horseradishes. I grows them too. Then all I has to do are clean up good using my rule to leave one thing out of place so when Dorothy are home she will seize on that and correct me and I'll say, "I'm sorry. Do you reckon I'll ever learn, Dorothy." And then ever thing will be okay.

Real Christmas Trees

Nowadays peoples has all kinds of Christmas trees. I seen one yesterday what was made out of fruit. A lot of folks has fake trees what they store in their attics and reuse 'em ever year. The lights is already on 'em and the only problem is finding the plugs what links up part one, two, and three. They still has to be decorated with Christmas balls and angels and stuff. For my part to keep real trees in the picture I has a little tree farm on my property where I grows trees for peoples what wants 'em. I don't charge nothing and tell peoples, if they wants to pay, to drop it in the pot at the mall or in the collection plate at the church of their choice. When peoples wants a tree all they has to do is give me a call and I will go down before they get here and cut a tree almost all the way down. Then when they do get here I will let the children finish the job. I got a old boy scout hatchet what they can use. If the grown ups want to pick their own tree they has to do the chopping. I work all this out before they gets here.

Me and Dancing

First let me say I always been good at a lots of things. I can draw a picture of peoples and things good enough to be recognized. I can carry a tune. If called upon I can say a closing prayer. I can read pretty good; better than I can talk. (smile) I can design things out of steel when welding with my torch. If left in the kitchen I can cook good enough not to starve to death. I have always been able to hold my own when wooing of the opposite sex. But one thing I ain't never been able to do are dance. I just ain't got the right rhythm or beat or what ever you wants to call it. I reckon I hear a different drummer or something. Now, Dorothy are a wonderful dancer and I wish I was good enough to be her dancing partner. I wonder sometime if I had tried harder when I were a young fellow if I could have learned to dance good, but I really doubts it.

Sunning Mattresses

We still do a lot of things the old way. Like keeping a clothesline. Dorothy have a brand new dryer and washing machine, but somethings according to her, just need to be hung outside. Like sheets and pillowcases. Another thing we do are to take all the mattresses out on a nice sunny day and let them set in the sun. My mother use to do this four time a year and Dorothy insists on the same. With Jack and his family probably coming for Christmas we done our mattress sunning last week. I have the same saw horses and sheets of plywood my mamma used and I have kept 'em in good shape. We has to start early 'cause we has to flip the mattresses over every four hours to sun the other side, doncha know?

Random Kindness

We got this fellow here (I ain't gonna give out his name 'cause he don't want me to) what does what he calls random acts of kindness. He does these things unomonously 'cause he believes if he is to be blessed for what he does he can't get no credit here on earth. How come I even knows about it all are 'cause I come upon him one day dropping a envelope into a magazine in a doctor's office. He were real embarrassed with me for seeing him do it, but I reckon he had to come clean on what he were doing since I spotted him doing it. The envelope had written on it the words: PLEASE GIVE THIS TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS IT MORE THAN YOU DO. He said the envelope held in it a twenty dollar bill. I asked him how he would know who got it and what they done with it and if it went to a good purpose. He said that warn't his problem. He had done his duty and it were up to the Lord to follow through on the execution of his deed. This fellow felt like if he directly give the money to a needy person he would have to be credited for his goodness and this would remove any heavenly reward for his work. Hmmmm.

Teatime in Harper

Mavilene Purtle and her daughter Doralene went to London, England last year. One of the things they done while they was there were to have afternoon tea. And they brung the tradition home with them. Ever afternoon at four o'clock sharp they has teatime. Now teatime are kinda like a coffee break what we have here except they serves tea instead of coffee and they has cookies and cakes and all kinds of sweets to go with it. Over the year Mavilene has invited just about ever body in Harper to one of her teatimes. She ever bought a special tea set what she proudly uses ever day. One of the things what has been spread around Harper are not to say anything what Mavilene might take offense to about having teatime or about the English too. She gets real upset with anyone who do. She are what they calls a Angle File.

Learning About White Noise

A lady come in the library, the one I volunteer at,  today and wanted to get a book name of White Noise. It had to be ordered and she will get it next week. I've been learning how to use the interweb and tried to put a google on the name of this book to find out more about it for my own knowledge. What I come up with were a lot of mention of little machines what put out a kind of radio sound what are called white sound or white noise. It is supposed to muffle out sounds what you don't want to hear. I ain't learned enough about this kind of invention to figure out all the uses, but it would have been real handy to have around while I were married to my second wife.

French Friend

Linus Limberger are a sorta friend of mine. We've knowed one another for forty year of more. Linus are what are called a neer-do-well. He's started up a bunch of businesses and ain't none of 'em made it. And when he's run into trouble he's always called on me to help him out of the ditch. Ain't no telling how much money I give him over the years. Last week I called him up and asked him to give me a hand collecting money for a family what has come on to bad times. I told him it wouldn't cost him no money just some of his time and it would be a big help to me if he would do it. Ever time I pass his house I see him sitting on his porch in his swing. I figured it might do him good to have something useful to do. Well, Linus told me he would be glad to help but he were real tied up thinking up a new project and didn't need to have nothing get between him and his thoughts. I guess he could tell my disappointment 'cause he said he hope his turning me down would not affect our friendship. I told him not to worry he could just be my French friend; he could call me whenever he needed something.

Mark Twain (Hollis)

Uncle Harvey Lee, whenever he sees me reading, tells me I should read Mark Twain. Of course, I read several of Twain's works while in high school and I did enjoy them, but last week I came across a book with the collected writing of Twain and bought it for less than ten dollars. Since then I have not been able to put it down. So many things written over a century ago apply to the happenings of today. Mark Twain's ability to use the right word(s) to express just what he wants to say is amazing. To paraphrase Mark himself: There is as much difference in the right word and the wrong word as there is in lightning and the lightning bug. I can't express my appreciation of this author better than Uncle Harvey Lee's comment: "What this country needs right now are another Mark Twain." Well, I guess I could express it better grammatically but not with regard to content. If I could learn to portray the look on Uncle Harvey Lee's face and the profound delivery of his words when he talks about his favorite author I would truly think of myself as a good writer.

Old Car Man

Lewis Smartz were real good with cars. I ain't never seen a car problem what Lewis couldn't fix. The reason he were so good at it were because he loved it so much. Why one time Lewis taken a 1946 Buick completely apart. I mean ever thing what could come apart he taken apart. And then he commenced to putting it back together and when he were done with it it cranked right up and run like a top. Last year Lewis were submitted to a nursing home. I come across this picture when one of my friends sent it to me. It ain't Lewis in the photo, but I reckon it could be knowing what I knows about him and his cars.

And the Winner Is....

Back about thirty year ago we had these two brothers what was always trying to see what one were the best. They was the Dunnawort brothers and they would throw down the dime on anything one or the other could think of to wager on. They fought about who could run the fastest, what one had the dog what could eat the most hamburgers, whose wife could lose the most weight in one month, and even what one could swim across Harper Lake the fastest. The older brother got caught about twenty foot from the other side and the younger one had to swim back and drag him to safety. But the darnest bet of all were what one would outlive the other. They found this knot hole in a tree and each one put a silver dollar in with the idea that the one what lived longer would come down and collect. Well, as it happened the younger brother kicked off first and after the sadness settled down the older one went down to the tree to collect his reward. When he reached down into the hole all he found were a note. The note said, "I figured you'd go first so I went ahead and taken the money and bought myself a couple of beers. If you find this note I'll leave it up to you who won."

Guessing Ages

One thing I learned real early on are not to even try to guess the age of a woman. Mens don't care too much but womens is real sensitive when it come to how old she is. The reason I'm even thinking about all this are the fact that I had a man, a tree surgeon, come out yesterday to figure out how old this old pecan tree might be. If you go across the lake to the other side you can see the top of this old tree sticking up above the other ones. And it's a big around as any pecan tree I ever seen. The man said he were reasonably sure the tree are over four hundred year old. Why, that were around the time the pilgrims was having the first Thanksgiving Day feast. I ain't sure the age this tree doctor come with are right, but I would like to believe it are. I don't know if there are boy trees and girl trees, but I figure if there is, this pecan tree are a man tree, the way it stand so tall and proud of it age, doncha know?

Good News on Thanksgiving

We got a good phone call this morning. It were from my boy Jack what lives in California. The good news is he may be moving to Atlanta. He's the boy what invents things and him and a friend wants to set up their own company. And California ain't a good place to do it according to Jack. They has a good opportunity to make a office in a place called Buckhead what really are just a part of Atlanta. I been there and I reckon if Buckhead warn't right slam up against a big city it would be a big city on its own with all them tall building and all. I am so thankful Jack are coming closer to home, over two thousand miles nearer, but I do kinda wish he could do his work in a smaller place. Seems like all peoples do in them big cities are fight traffic and pay taxes. I'm still real thankful though.

Fine Line

There is lots of fine lines in the world. Like the line between being a good neighbor and a busy body. Like when Old Lady McBee called her next door neighbor to be sure they was all okay when she spotted only three of 'em at the supper table. There are a fine line between a dutiful wife and one what puts up with a no good husband. And a line between a good worker and a brown-noser. One of the thin lines what bothers me the most are the one between a discussion and a argument. The polices come last month and took in Buster Brownscales. He claimed him and Herve Barnman was just having a friendly discussion about a woman they both was hot on. The police weighed in that Buster crossed the fine line when he introduced a knife to the debate. Herve will live but it ain't easy to recognize him no more.

Be Careful What You Ask For

I been seeing on the TV about this company what makes sweet cakes are going out of business. They was struck by a union. They told the peoples if they was struck they would close and they did. I ain't taking sides in all this 'cause I ain't sure what's right and what's wrong. But it did make me think about old man Nahum Wishbourney and him being a deacon at the Harper Lake Baptist Church all those year ago. Ole Nahum were a tall, skinny fellow with sharp features what kinda put you in mind of Abraham Lincoln. He were made a deacon mostly 'cause of his dedication and regular church attendance. It were always amusing to us kids 'cause Nahum would come into church, look over the crowd to see who were there, and then drift off to sleep. Over the years it got to be his regular job to second the motion on anything what were proposed. In fact some people called him Second-the-Motion Wishbourney. Now the Wishbourneys lived out in the country about ten miles from the church. The church provided a bus what went all over the countryside around Harper and collected worshipers. Well this were right after World War II just when things was getting more prosperous, doncha know? And as times got good more and more peoples was getting their own cars and not riding the bus any more. So one Wednesday night at prayer meeting somebody made a motion to cut out the bus service since it were only going to one house. Old Nahum's wife were sitting beside him and gave him a nudge to let him know a motion had been made and he sat right up and shouted out, "Second the motion." Next Sunday he missed Sunday School and come in late for church. He didn't have no idea what happened to the bus. But being as how it were a church we talking about, peoples got together and taken turns in bringing all the Wishbourneys to church. This went on till one of the Wishbourney boys got a job at the pickle plant and buyed himself a used Ford motor car.

Being Thankful Ain't Always Good

Now I know we all need to be thankful and with Thanksgiving coming up I hope we all will be. But there are somethings that's bad to be thankful for. Like this old uncle of mine, Uncle Tulley, what died back in the 1920's. He were powerful mean, so they say, and hardly nobody liked him. He were known to shoot a dog just for sport and he treated his wife and kids real mean. Well when he were pretty old he taken sick and were lying in his bed for weeks. Peoples said he were just to mean to die (that's the story what were handed down.) He finally did pass on and as the word spread through out the county of his departure, peoples got on horseback and rode around the countryside beating on drums or washtubs and blowing bugles. Them what did not have musical instruments just shouted. They said peoples rode till the horses couldn't run no more. They yelled till they was too hoarse to yell no more. This is the story what were handed down and I reckon it's true. What I do know is I've heard all the womens in my family, my mother and her sisters, when ever they was upset with their husbands say, "You acting just like your old Uncle Tulley." So I reckon it's true.

Fourth Quarter

We love our football around here. Me and Hollis (and a little bit Dorothy) has been watching all day. Our favorite team plays a good game for three quarters but always falls apart in the four quarter. They done it again tonight. Got me thinking about myself and how, if you wants to look at this way, I'm playing in the fourth quarter of life, me being eighty year old, doncha know? And I reckon it's left up to me keep playing good until they blow that final whistle, what I reckon will sound more like a trumpet if what I learnt in Sunday School are the fact. Anyway I hope to keep getting up ever day, looking out over the prettiness of Harper Lake, and being thankful for all what are given to me. I just hope that at the very end of the game I'll have the ball in my control and I'll be churning out a path with all my might what will lead me over the goal.

Burning Brush

Like I told y'all last week me and Dorothy is cleaning out stuff. I taken a whole bunch of old canceled checks and receipts from over ten years old over to the Methodist Church where they was offering free shredding. Then I gathered together old magazines, newspapers, and even old pictures. This morning were kinda frosty and a good morning for a brush fire. I figured to add all the old paper things and burn 'em up. I were sad to see some of the pictures going up in smoke. But I thought it were time to move on. When I got back to the house I found where Dorothy had took out pictures of my first wife Bethel and our kids. She even saved a few of Mary Kate, wife number two. None of the pictures of Trixie was in the stack. They all good cremated and that were all right with me. Dorothy are the best wife I ever had. Sorry, Bethel.

Different Wives, Different Rules

Ever one of my wives had different things what was real important to them. Bethel, my first wife, were a school sweetheart. She didn't have no rules, probably should have 'cause after I come back from Korea and were feeling sorry for myself I went a little wild. After she died I married Mary Kate, a nice Catholic woman. Mary Kate needed somebody to take care of her and I needed somebody to take care of my kids. Mary Kate had lots of rules. She learned from the nuns she had went to school under how to lay down the law. I finally had to tell her I warn't following no rules what she didn't write down 'cause I couldn't keep up with so many. Mary Kate got herself run over by a streetcar in New Orleans. Trixie, my third wife, the one what run off with the tent preacher didn't worry with what I done as long as I were buying her things and taking her places. Dorothy, the sweet woman I'm married to now, ain't got buy one rule: STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN. After Trixie run off I did a little cooking for myself. It were what you might call real creative single man cooking. Stuff Dorothy ain't about to put up with.

Hollis Note: Anyone interested in reading more about Uncle Harvey Lee's wives can look back to his posts in September 2010. Trixie's post is September 25, 2010.

Another Lobster Story

I reckon I ought to set this story up a little before I begins. Around here you can't hardly find a cafe or restaurant what don't sell catfish. They even raise them on what they calls catfish farms. But Lobster. To get lobster a fellow would have to drive a hundred miles and know something about what a lobster are.  Now a person what don't have no ideas about lobsters ain't stupid. As I said before he's just ignorant. I'll bet there are peoples in Maine what don't know much about catfish. Well the story. Hamstead Wheelhouse are a drug salesman. So he ain't no way what you can call stupid. In fact he's a little on the witty side always coming out with cute comments. Like when the waitress asked him after his meal if he want coffee and he said, "No, thank you, ma'am, I'm a Baptist." Hamstead and three of his friends went to a meeting in New Orleans a few years ago and ate at one of them fancy restaurants they got down there. One friend orders a dozen fried oysters, the next wanted a dozen grilled shrimps, and the third asked for a dozen scallops. Hamstead had been thinking over the menu what were cloth covered and the size of his brief case. He decided and asked the waiter to bring him a dozen of them lobsters. Now some thinks Hamstead were just using his wit, but he told me direct he were just plain ignorant about them strange creatures.

Going for the Lobster

Me and Dorothy don't go out to eat so much anymore. I reckon it's mostly on my shoulders 'cause I just hate to miss one of her home cooked meals. But last night we went to Seafood Heaven to partake of their all-you-can-eat special. The owners of Seafood Heaven come up from New Orleans after Katrina and they brung some of their decorations what they saved from the flood waters. So right over the buffet table they got a fishing net with plastic fish, clams, crabs, and one big red lobster. We was held up in line by this pretty big fellow what neither me or Dorothy didn't know. I reckon he were from out of town. He were standing there staring at the fake lobster and his mouth were drooling. I gave Dorothy a little nudge and she whispered in my ear, "He's not going to take that, is he?" Well he done it. He taken that big red plastic lobster on his plate. It were so big it knocked off a big blog of potato salad onto the floor. One of the mens behind us were upset and said kinda loud that he thought the lobster grabber were stupid. I had to set him straight. I told him the fellow might be stupid but we doesn't know that. What we does know is he is ignorant.

Making the Most of Stuff

Babe, that ain't her real name, got into riding motor cycles back in the fifties when she were a young girl. And she kept it up until the accident in 1995. What happened were she had her mind off the road and run into the back of a stopped garbage truck. Her bike and her slid under the truck and it taken a hour to get her excavated from all that mess. Babe were taken to Harper General Hospital and operated on. Three months later she were let go from the hospital with a metal plate in her head, right in the middle of her forehead. The doctor what did her operation had wanted to be a plastical surgeon and done a real good job. You has to look real close to see anything different from anybody else's forehead. Her husband Buster, that ain't his real name either, are what you might want to call a inventor. He has come up with all kinds of things like disposable coat hangers what will dissolve in water. He claims he made a battery what will keep a charge for years, but it were too big to get anybody interested. Now he ain't one to let any opportunity slide by, so when Babe come home with that metal plate, Buster went to Harper Five and Dime and buyed a whole bunch of them little refrigerator magnets. Ever morning when he goes off to work--Babe sleeps in since her accident--Buster writes out a little note to his wife and leaves it stuck to her forehead with one of them magnets. Some days it has a to do list and some days a reminder for a appointment or meeting. And some days it don't say nothing but" I love you, Babe."

Learning About Golf

I got a friend what are going to Paris, France. He don't want to but his wife does, so I guess you can guess he's going. So he are taking this recorded course on learning French to speak. Now at my age I ain't about to tackle French or no other foreign language; not till I master English. But golf are another matter. My friends all wants me to play golf with them. It warn't a big sport around here when I were growing up, but several peoples had land just sitting there so they made golf fields for peoples to play on. But I figure I got to get me one of them courses to learn me the language of golf. Like they use words I know but they has different meanings. Like links, to me a link are a sausage. And putt are a sound and a not too pleasant one. A birdie flies in the sky or sits in a cage. A eagle are just one kinda bird. Bogie were a movie star. Mashie are something done to potatoes. A scratch are applied to a itch. A slice are a piece of pie. A hook will catch a fish. Fairway are the honest and best policy in dealing with others. Green are a color. Doglegs are what dogs walk around on. Teed off are when you are mad about something. I ain't even gonna discuss sweet spot and lay. You can see I got a lot to learn about before I even hit my first ball.

About Talking Good

Me and Dorothy gets along real good except she gets a little irritated about the way I talks. Like I told y'all I quit school in grade seven and one-half, but they learned me good English while I were there. I just moved away from it by talking like all the peoples I fished and hunted and whittled with. Now Dorothy graduated in English from Millsaps, what are a school for real smart peoples. So y'all can see how my talking is like fingernails running down a blackboard to her. I will say she don't correct me ever day in what I say, but I can see her lose her neck when her shoulders come up to her head ever time I talk. But I'll let y'all in on a little secret. I ain't as dumb as I talks. Like crossword puzzles. I work 'em ever day and to complete. And in ink. I knows all the states in alphabetical order. And all the capitals. I can name most of the countries in the world and their capitals. And if I wanted to I could talk good. But y'all gotta remember I'm gonna be eighty next year. If I am gonna correct things in my life it ain't gonna be talking English good.

Shredding Memories

My momma and daddy had to pay a grocer bill twice during the depression. They had throwed away a receipt. Needless to say they never throwed away another one as long as they lived. Kinda like that thing, I think it were Mark Twain what said it, about a cat what sat on a hot stove and never sat on another hot stove again. Or a cold one either. Well I reckon I were kinda taught to be a hoarder, but Dorothy are just the opposite. She wants to get shut of ever thing what ain't got no use no more. Today they was offering free shredding down to the Methodist Church, a keep the county clean movement, doncha you know? Dorothy kept after me and I taken about six box loads of old letters, checks, and receipts down to get cut up. I stood there and watched till ever one were gone. On the way home I felt the loss. It were like a slice of my brain had been put through them blades. I know it don't really matter much, but old things what was taught to us is hard to get past.